Post-Pandemic Life — Proceed with Caution

For better or worse, we slowed down this past year. During pandemic life, most of us, from the extroverts to the introverts, stopped having to choose to say yes or no to others asking for our time.

But as an extrovert, I’m hungry to live again. Now that the buffet of life is about to reopen, I am worried I’m going to gorge on everything and say yes to everyone.

I already binged a bit. I held an elegant Passover Seder for 56 Jewish singles for my Audrey’s Tent group, followed by hosting needy house guests for two weeks. But I forgot how much energy it takes to interact in person. I’m still working from home, and the community events haven’t even started. If I try to go from stillness to running from meeting to event, dawn to dusk, like a whirling dervish, I’ll crash and burn.

Intuitively I know I need to proceed with caution into this post-pandemic world, but I’m unclear how to set boundaries. So this past Friday, after the last house guest left, I packed up and headed to a cabin in the mountains. My goal was to rest, meditate and plan a path that eases me into post-pandemic life and allows me to protect my time in a purposeful way.

But even getting away was hard. As I was packing, a girlfriend invited me to an impromptu divorce/freedom party and another friend needed help dealing with his angry teenage son. I yearned to stay and go to them. It was hard to say no to others, but it was a conscious choice to say yes to myself.

As I drove on the winding, precarious road up 6000 feet, I thought how I spent generous time on self-care, reflection and healing this past year. I don’t want to erase my progress by going back to the way things were: chaotic, allowing others’ needs and demands to define my life.

I don’t want to erase my progress by going back to the way things were: chaotic, allowing others’ needs and demands to define my life.

Jewish sage Hillel said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Pirkei Avot 1:14) My “now” started when I arrived at the cabin. I unpacked my bags — one of stuff and one of food — and set off on a hike before sunset. The forest was a maze of legacy pine trees, twisted blackened stumps hollowed by recent fires, and the hope of new growth. The symphony of birds brought me into the present and reminded me I was a guest of Mother Nature. I made it back in time to light Shabbat candles and bring in the Sabbath with a glass of red wine, a simple salad and a heart full of gratitude.

I started my quest by reading six articles from a Google search “Saying No to Others is Saying Yes to Yourself.” They were good but didn’t go deep enough for me. Then I found the book “Saying No and Letting Go: Jewish Wisdom on Making Room for What Matters Most” by Rabbi Edwin Goldberg. This was a better fit.

Rabbi Goldberg began his book by comparing how we choose to say yes and no in life to how G-d created the world. He highlighted a Kabbalistic principal I had never heard of, “tzimtzum.” Tzimtzum means “willfully letting go of control” in Hebrew. The purpose of Goldberg’s book is to teach readers to engage in a process of tzimtzum. To willfully pull back and say no in order to regain control of the things that matter most to us.

The formula is simple: Find the space in your life to discover what are your core values and through that discovery, what you want in your life. Then it’s easy to say no to what you don’t want.

OK, I thought. I found my space, an isolated cabin. Now I had time to define my priorities. I liked the concept, but I needed my own visual framework for it to make sense.

Because I spent so much time recently in my house, I brought this concept to life by designing my “House of Meaning.” My House is a virtual construct of time founded on the idea that saying no frees up space, opens potential and liberates time so that I can become the person I ought to be and live a life without resentment.

I created a design where each element builds on the one before it. Yet all elements must be strong for the home to fulfill its intention. So here’s my architectural plan for my House of Meaning:

  • FoundationHealth: Without putting my health first, the house crumbles.
  • FloorFamily: Caring for my family, my children (fur babies, too) is what grounds me.
  • RoofProfession/Prosperity with Purpose: My work has purpose to serve others but also provides financial security.
  • Four WallsFriends, Community, Jewish Life, Tzedakah: Each wall equally provides meaning: sustaining friendships, strengthening my community, living a Jewish life and giving tzedakah (charity).
  • Windows Creativity: the view where I look outside for inspiration to feed my creative spirit and allow time to write, read, dream and discover.
  • KitchenSoul: The soul of my home is in the kitchen, from which nourishment and vitality come in the form of food, music and dance.
  • BedroomPassion: The center of passion, intimacy and laughter with a loving life partner. (G-d willing, coming soon…)
  • Energy Within — Love, beauty, gratitude, tranquility, peace and joy: When you “enter my home,” you are filled with these attributes.
  • Entry/ExitsGuarding Time: Each doorway is a place of awareness, a momentary meditation to ask, “Do I want this in my life?” Yes or No?

What does NOT belong in my House of Meaning: saving lost souls, one night stands, negative people, anything that sucks my time, unhealthy food, working all night, wanderlust, yearning for fame and fortune and FOMO.

My idea is that if a person, an opportunity or a thought appears that doesn’t align with the values of my House of Meaning, it doesn’t belong in my life. Just say no. Self-limitation is an invitation to expansive possibility, easy of spirit and joy.

It’s not my natural inclination, but I look forward to saying no more than saying yes — not only to people and events but also to bad habits and self-sabotaging thoughts. Saying no means I know what’s best for me.

So now that the world’s opening up and I’ve designed my House of Meaning, I’m confident it will allow me to re-enter the world mindfully saying yes only when it feels right. I have my Tzimtzum, my process of letting go of people, things, and thoughts that waste time and making room for a life of beauty and goodness.

You too can design your House of Meaning. It will look different than mine. Create it with the principles that can protect you from the dangers of re-entering a post-pandemic world without purpose.

Until then, go gently into tomorrow and be mindful to say no more than yes!


Audrey Jacobs is a financial adviser and has three sons. 

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