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March 11th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
COLUMBUS, OH—Local churchgoers are questioning the authenticity of a closing prayer given after the morning service at Relevant Escalation City Spirit-Burn Community Church. According to some witnesses, the prayer was clearly drawn out to give the worship team ample time to exit the stage.
“Oh, Father God, we just, just, praise you right now oh Father God,” said the lead singer as she glanced behind her to see if the drummer had managed to escape his plexiglass enclosure. “Just, ignite a fire in our hearts right now, even now, Father God. Just envelop us with your loving arms and fill us with your, your… just your love, Father God.”
The congregation began to fidget as the worship team was taking longer than usual to exit the stage.
“Let us go out from this place right now, Jesus, with your spirit. Your Holy Spirit. And your love, too, dear Almighty Heavenly Father In Heaven Of Beauty And Righteousness. This we pray, Father God.”
At this point, people started to quietly exit the building. Luckily, they were still able to beat the crowds at Cracker Barrel.
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