Satirical Semite: Protocols of the Medics of Zion

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On Feb. 17, the BBC announced a “challenge trial,” where special volunteers in the United Kingdom will be infected with the virus after being injected with the vaccine. I have added the word “special.” It would take very special people to sign up for this trial. I wonder if the trial doctors will also offer these volunteers a free psychological evaluation to get their heads checked out.

Many people have taken a financial beating during the last year, and it is inevitable that some are desperate to pay their bills, no matter the cost. Every patient in the clinical trial will receive £4500* ($6303), which seems like a fair exchange for potential long-term consequences.

Months after “recovering” from the virus, I have friends who have still not fully regained their sense of taste and smell. Who knows what other internal damage they are suffering from? There are various people I knew who died from COVID-19, albeit in the older age bracket.  £4500 may pay the rent for a couple of months, but at what cost? Perhaps the sale price is £1000 for your sense of smell, £1000 for your sense of taste and £1000 for long-term shortness of breath. I would say, “breathe deep and smell/taste the coffee,” but that will no longer be an option.

How to account for the remaining £1500? Another study suggests that COVID-19 can cause infertility in young men as a result of testicular damage. So you can now sell your now-useless sperm ducts, at £750 each. Going cheap! I say, balls to that. It immobilizes male fertility tubes, leaving them with all the speed and flow of a Los Angeles freeway during rush hour.

Jewish law may have a problem with human clinical trials. The Torah has a concept of “pikuach nefesh,” a situation of “mortal danger.” You cannot put yourself in a situation where your life could be at risk. As with all Jewish legal decisions, there are disagreements as to when it applies, so some Rabbis might have a problem with high-risk sports like bungee jumping, freebasing or spending a weekend with your mother-in-law.

Jewish law may have a problem with human clinical trials.

The BBC reported that the trial “is focusing on young people (aged 18-30) with no health problems,” which seems reasonable. What’s the worst that can happen, apart from death, chest tightness, compromised cardiovascular function, gastrointestinal disturbance with diarrhea, continuing headaches, clotting disorders and thrombosis? The BBC reported “the risk is low, but a challenge trial is not completely risk-free.” No kidding. It provokes memories of the infamous 2006 Parexel trial for a leukemia drug that resulted in eight robust young guys experiencing tragic levels of organ inflammation, gaining them the name “the elephant men.” As a result, one participant had all of his toes and parts of his fingers amputated, and investigators treated the hospital as a crime scene. When invited for a clinical trial, rather than give the drug companies every digit on your hand, it may be best to just show them one finger.

There is ethical precedence for clinical trials that give people a potentially deadly virus, but would people volunteer if they did not need the money? There may be an immeasurable benefit to humanity, but what does it say about our society for doing this to people? If they are potentially selling their health and life, is it akin to state-sponsored prostitution with possibly devastating consequences? What can we do as Jews — apart from Israel inspiring other countries with its speed of vaccinations so much that even traditionally anti-Semitic media are encouraging their governments to follow the protocols of the medics of Zion. 

As for the few who may be purely altruistic, it may be best to visit a COVID-19 ward and put on a cabaret to cheer up patients. Singing through a mask can be challenging, but everyone should be able to hear if they turn up the karaoke track and belt out “I will survive.”

 To all of the brave young volunteers, may wisdom guide you, healing reach you and may the vaccines be ever in your favor. Godspeed, and make sure you have a good lawyer.

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