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May 22nd, 2012 
FAKE NEWS for the Zionist agenda Last week, Aspen was filled with all the alcohol, cougar-flirting and snowboarding you can imagine. Bethenny and Hoppy continued their fight over whether or not he should join the SkinnyGirl cocktail business — and over her need to impress guys half her age. B and Julie shared an intimate lunch date where they reminisced about the good times and cried tears of agony over Julie’s impending departure from the team. Back in apartment land, the crew was still clueless, waiting for B to instruct them at every move. But I know we will get to see the final product before the season comes to close, which means B most definitely went psycho on their asses demanding overtime like they’ve never seen before.
On this week’s episode, Bravo did what every other network does when content is at a lull — a FLASHBACK EPISODE. Yes. That will definitely keep viewers entertained for an entire hour! Couldn’t get enough crazy talk from this kook? Unlikely. Nevertheless, here we are, looking back into the life of our sweet B. Because of that, I won’t be tallying up her “Can’t Live Without You” and “Run for Your Life” sides. Instead, we’ll take a look at the most memorable moments from slightly-off-present time and back in the day.
“Reality TV-Real Time”
- Staring at the wall where her 73-inch television is going to be placed in her new apartment and gasping like an alien-like creature. Then concerned with the bar situation.
- “Booze. Bought. This. Apartment.” Apparently this is B’s only way of communicating with her design team when any furniture is being discussed that doesn’t involve housing her SkinnyGirl cocktails. She even suggests a booze church to pray to the booze gods. And somewhere Hoppy’s parents are paralyzed with the pain of her sin.
- “I’ve worked my balls off for this apartment,” B explains to her crew. Translation = Don’t f–k it up.
- Bringing Bryn to Spanish class for an adorable little lesson. Though Bryn is not the only baby in the class, Bernardo, the sex-on-a-stick instructor, can only focus on her. Maybe it’s the fact that Bethenny is also the only parent sitting in. Or the cameras. Or maybe the two of them are just getting their margarita on after escuela.
- “I don’t know if she’s a genius or completely behind,” B says honestly about Bryn. What a breath of fresh air to not hear a mom compare her baby to Jesus for one damn second.
- Meeting her birth father Bobby’s best friend for dinner. Louie, who is undoubtedly the ringleader of some illicit group, struggles to defend Bethenny when she outwardly bashes her father. “My stepfather was more of a father to me,” she says. “I know it’s hard for you to hear, but he was the only father in my life.” When Hoppy tries to interject earnestly about the importance of fatherhood and being a family man, Louie can only stare back with glass eyes, signaling his trusted “employees” to come over and kick his ass. Hoppy knows he’s already said too much, and sheepishly backs out of the conversation. ‘Atta boy.
- Wrapping up the already awkward dinner conversation by saying, “I used to be angry, but I just move forward. Now, we get to be the kind of parents we want to be.” Loving B’s level head right now. She must not have been drinking. Pregnant?
- Prepping before “The Wendy Williams Show,” and talking out loud (surprise, surprise) about the pros and cons of hosting her very own talk show.
- Having Julie strip her out of her pants and then re-dress her into talk show-appropriate clothes — equipped with potential camel toe, apparently. Ah, I’m going to miss this demented relationship.
- Wendy Williams asks B, “Do you ever feel like you’re losing control?” Is this a trick question?, the audience wonders, before B rattles off some gibberish about roses and petals and thorns, or something.
- When asked about baby No. 2, B almost believably says she would absolutely LOVE to have another baby. Even though she’s 41. And can hardly handle herself. As she rambles, I can only concentrate on the embarrassing eyebrow job she clearly did to herself using Nair and a rusty pair of tweezers.
- Explaining to Dr. Armadillo (they’re going on year two of therapy, by the way … think it’s working?) how she’s actually in a loving place with Hoppy. He will be staying at his job, which she seems to understand, and all is good in the world. Thank the lawd.
- It wouldn’t be a true Dr. A. therapy session without some tears. So Bravo asks B to talk about her mom and there she goes, spewing out tears of confusion about whether or not to befriend the woman who’s making bank on spreading rumors about her.
- Taking a look at the different kinds of toilet bowls for her apartment and gasping at the technology. “There is a toilet that has a person living in it that cleans your ass,” she likes to believe. Though it already exists. Welcome to your new job, Jackie.
- Officially saying “thank you” to Hoppy for handling the logistics of the apartment renovation. And Bryn’s room is officially the size of my apartment … building.
“Way Back When”
- Alex McCord of “The Real Housewives of New York” (remember THOSE days) mocking Bethenny’s original SkinnyGirl logo. “That looks nothing like you!” she squeaks.
- Being seven months pregnant and posing in a liquor store in front of her fans. Superb role model from the very start.
- Life-altering moment when Hoppy tells her she is going to be a very rich lady. Bring in the cocktails.
- When Costco was the only place Bethenny was invited to do a book singing. Sitting alone — with dare I say, chub — attempting to make some sales. Nothing.
- Practicing on the ice rink for “Skating With the Stars” and nearly trampling over. At least she looks flexible.
- Getting Hoppy to call her behind “juicy” as she struts around the apartment in her butt-enhancing shapewear.
- Getting fitted for her wedding dress with a pregnant belly larger than a watermelon on crack.
- Telling Hoppy’s parents for the first time that they have a granddaughter and embracing their tears of joy like they’re her family for the first time.
- At the racetrack with AHEM Jill Zarin, opening a gift from her father’s friend, only to find that it’s black lingerie. And we all just vomited again in our mouths.
- Finding out on the street with Julie that her mom is talking major s— about her to the tabloids.
- Trying to plan the food menu for their wedding while Hoppy watches the March Madness tournament. “BEEF TARTARE, BEED TARTARE, ANSWER ME!”
- Moment Hoppy realizes the hell he’s about to enter right before the big surprise at Bethenny’s 40th birthday party. Watching his “Oh f— what have I done” face makes up for the entire rewind episode.
- Rocking a massive baby bump and eating street meat for the first time … uncontrollably. “Ill have a chicken gyro, please”
- Pumping breast milk openly, while talking about playing just the tip with Hoppy.
- Saying “I dos” into the microphone during their wedding ceremony. Where the romance officially began.
The episode left a bittersweet taste in my mouth with the finale rapidly approaching. That’s right, only one more episode of Bethenny cracking jokes and sharing her frightening side with the world that many of us hold deep deep inside. If I know Bravo — and I think I do — they’re saving the major tearjerker flashbacks for then. It also appears as though our Queen has some SERIOUS news, which requires a living room pow wow with her whole team. Is she expecting? Is she moving? Is she giving Hoppy back his testicles? We’ll just have to sit back and wait to find out.
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