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October 30th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple has just announced an exciting new update to its WatchOS. Using a combination of motion sensing, heart rate monitoring, and machine learning, the Apple Watch can now detect when you’re actually enjoying a moment of life away from the screen and will instantly interrupt.
“The problem with the iPhone and the iPad was that you had to be holding them for them to steal the precious hours in your day,” Tim Cook said in a slickly recorded announcement. “But with the Apple Watch always-on technology, we can now tell when you’ve finally found a moment’s peace in God’s creation and then drag you back into the hell of our glowing screens.”
Using custom algorithms, the Apple Watch will be able to tell if you’re enjoying a sunset, engaged in a deep and meaningful conversation, or having fun with your kids. It will then hit you with an alert to tempt you to instead look at your phone. Cook demonstrated the technology by sitting down in a comfy chair to read classic literature, which caused his watch to immediately pop up with an alert: “Someone said something on Twitter that will really make you mad; you’d better check it out!”
“Now you can’t escape us, ever,” Cook explained. “It is a fallen world, and we are your masters. You will have no peace, no love, no joy. But you will have the latest technology.”
Cook ended the presentation with a reminder to always have a charger ready.
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