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January 13th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
WILLIAMSTOWN, KY—The wildly popular Ark Encounter attraction in Kentucky will soon be joined by a baptismal-themed log flume ride.
The log ride will have guests tossed to and fro by the water rapids of sin before experiencing a 3-story drop into the water so they can be raised to walk in newness of life. Riders will then gently glide by a giant animatronic Ken Ham statue that will fill them in on all the next steps they need to take as new believers.
“Our Ark Encounter is specially designed to offer a full gospel message to everyone who visits the stations in order from beginning to end,” said Ham. “If by the end they accept Christ as their own personal Lord and Savior, they will have the opportunity to ride this flume directly into a baptismal tank to seal the deal!”
Designers confirmed that the ride will be a legitimate means of baptism due to riders being fully immersed in water, as the Bible commands. High-speed cameras will use advanced technology to confirm full immersion so that anyone not completely doused will have the opportunity to ride the flume again for a small added fee.
“Our new baptismal flume is only the first step in the continually evolving Ark Encounter,” says Ham. “We have many more rides on the way, such as a haunted house that follows the story of Samuel’s ghost being raised by the Witch of Endor. Not for the faint of heart!”
Catholic and Lutheran visitors to the park are reportedly offended that infants aren’t able to enjoy the ride.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.
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