Back to the Future: 2092

December, 2092. At age 110, I’m invited to speak to a class of seventh graders at Garcetti Middle School and Correctional Facility about the long trajectory of my life.

TEACHER: Class, this is Miss Tabby. She’s here to speak with you about her life. Please be sure to state your name and to speak loudly so she can hear your questions.

ME: Hello, children. My name is Miss Tabby and I was born in the eighties. Not the 2080s, but the 1980s!

(the children’s mouths drop open)

ME: Does anyone have a question they’d like to ask me?

(silence)

ME: Don’t be shy! How about you, little girl?

KID #1: I’m a boy.

ME: Sorry. I’m 110, and my good eye stopped working when I was 108.

KID #1: [stands up] My name is Jadanite. Um, what was your childhood like?

ME: Nearly one hundred years ago, in 1995, I was having the time of my life. I had a popular group of girlfriends, I earned top grades in school, and I was a strict disciple of Tupac Shakur.

(silence)

ME: I was born in Iran, if anyone finds that interesting.

KID #2: My name is Dulcolax. Which half of Iran?

ME: Good question. The whole half! Back in the 1980s, Iran was still a whole state. It wasn’t until 2030 that the regime accidentally blew up the southern half of the country in a series of nuclear tests gone wrong. The southern half, as you’ve probably heard, is still no man’s land.

KID #3: My name is Ulcer. We haven’t learned about the Middle East yet. We’re still learning American history.

ME: I can tell you about American history! I was alive in 2020!

(bewildered gasp)

KID #4: What was that like? Oh, and my name is Zoloft.

ME: Children, 2020 was a difficult year. It all started with toilet paper. One day, it was on the shelves and the next day, it was all gone. And then, the flour was gone. And then, pasta. It was an anxious, terrible time. A lot of people perished. We didn’t see family members for over a year. Weddings were postponed. Children spent their birthdays practically alone. Those who could still leave the house drove to the supermarket and shopped for groceries in person.

(collective gasp)

KID #5: People drove themselves in cars?!

ME: Yes! And they did their own shopping!

(everyone laughs)

ME: It’s true! We didn’t have drones everywhere, leaving groceries at our doorstep. It took some of those drones 10 years to learn how to properly set down a grocery bag containing eggs by my door!

Image by diyun Zhu/Getty Images

(I shift nervously in my chair and look toward the classroom door.)

KID #3: If you were alive in 2020, then you lived when Donald Trump was president?

ME: Yes! It was a painful, divisive time. Before the pandemic—

KID #5: Which pandemic?

TEACHER: Introduce yourself!

KID #5: Sorry. I’m Magma. Which pandemic?

ME: COVID-19. We didn’t get COVIDs 20, 21 and 22 until a few years down the line. Anyway, before the pandemic, the economy was doing pretty well. A burger, fries and a soda cost around $7.

(thunderous laughter)

ME: Hmm, how much does that cost today?

KID #1: $75

ME: Psh, we could have bought two small packs of kosher meat at the market with $75 back then. As I was saying, the economy was great before the pandemic, but the divisiveness was something awful. President Trump was deeply hated by half the country, and the other half seemed to enjoy some sort of infatuation with him. I was somewhere in the middle. I liked how he ushered peace between Israel and a whole bunch of Muslim countries—

KID #7: Which Israel?

TEACHER: I’m sorry for all the interruptions. By the way, it was Dowel who asked that question.

ME: That’s alright. It means they’re engaged.

 (I turn toward Dowel)

ME: It was Israel Echad. Back then, there was still room for almost everyone to be crammed together in the original Israel. Israel Shtayim wasn’t created yet. None of us could have imagined they [the Israeli leaders] would have chosen a part of Saudi Arabia as the location for a second Jewish state. But the Saudis were desperate to sell some land after they completely ran out of oil in 2040. Now, back to 2020: As you’ve probably learned, President Trump lost reelection to Vice President Biden.

KID #2: Was he the vice president who made a reality show in the White House?

ME: No, that was Vice President Clooney. And he turned out to be one of the best VPs in American history.

KID #8: Hi, I’m Nyquil. What happened to President Trump after he lost?

ME: Oh, he worked in the private sector for a while before becoming a televangelist and marrying his fourth wife, Kellyanne. We’re going to have an inauguration next month, aren’t we?

(class nods in agreement)

KID #1: It’ll be President-elect George Bush V.

ME: Well, since we’re close to another inauguration, do you want to hear about the inauguration of President Biden back in 2021?

KID #4: I have to go to the bathroom.

ME: Me too. My bladder’s the size of a prune. I’ll go with you after a few more questions.

TEACHER: Miss Tabby, please tell us about the inauguration of President Biden.

ME: I watched it all live on television. Back then, TVs were really, really big. Ours was about 45 inches.

(thunderous laughter)

TEACHER: If we want to watch TV today, we hold a small box and plug a USB into the back of our necks, don’t we, class?

KID #3: I have two USB neck portals because my mother says I’m a handful!

ME (muttering quietly): Lousy robots.

(I look at the doorway again and gasp.)

ANDRZEJ WOJCICKI/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY/Getty Images

ME: Never mind! What I meant to say is that this is such an exciting time to be alive! Do you want to hear about the watermelons at President Biden’s inauguration? That year, a handful of vengeful supporters of President Trump chartered a small plane and flew over the inauguration, hurling watermelons at whoever was on stage. It was a shame that security forces found no other solution but to shoot down the plane. People said watermelon seeds could be found as far away as Maryland.

(stunned silence)

ME: Yes, sir. It was quite a low point for the country. I can’t recall a more tense inauguration, except for when President Kardashian was sworn into office, of course. But we all knew where she was headed once she started law school.

TEACHER: We have time for just one more question.

KID #9: My name’s Daniel.

(laughter and taunting)

KID #7: You have a stupid name, Daniel!

TEACHER: Dowel! Cut that out! Daniel, please continue.

KID #9: Uh, I’m Daniel. I just wanted to ask if there’s a secret to living a long life, like you?

ME: What a thoughtful question. Thank you. To tell you the truth, I barely exercised and ate boxed macaroni and cheese nearly every day. But I never, ever got dragged into a fight with anyone on social media. Maybe that explains it. I always found too much technology to be a life-sucking force of —

TEACHER (nervously interrupts): That’s all the time we have! Everyone, please say, “Thank you, Miss Tabby.”

(I again look nervously toward the doorway. Security forces from our robot overlords escort me out of the building and back into the driverless taxi. They don’t look amused and program the taxi to drive me straight to the Zuckerberg Intelligence and Lobotomy Center for questioning.) 


Tabby Refael is a Los Angeles-based writer, speaker and activist.

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