Biden Calls For $50 Billion To Help Ukraine Track Down Notorious Russian Arms Dealer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the heels of a much-publicized prisoner exchange involving WNBA basketball player Brittney Griner, the Biden Administration issued a call for an urgent need to help Ukraine hunt for a notorious Russian arms dealer known as the “Merchant of Death,” who is now believed to be on the loose.

“We have now learned from our ally President Zelensky that a dangerous Russian arms dealer has been freed and poses a grave threat,” President Joe Biden said in a prepared statement. “We simply cannot allow this person to continue operating freely. Sending an additional $50 billion in aid to Ukraine will allow us to bring this ‘Merchant of Death’ guy to justice.”

Though critics were quick to bring up the fact that the U.S. did, in fact, have the Merchant of Death in custody and willingly sent him back to Russia in exchange for a women’s basketball player, Biden was quick to defend his administration’s decision.

“Hey. Listen up. Freeing a dangerous individual and allowing the proliferation of black market weapons is a small price to pay for the great basketball-playing of the heroic Brittney Griner,” Biden said sternly. “But let’s be clear here. Tracking down this dangerous individual and stopping the proliferation of black market weapons is a priority. Spatula.”

At publishing time, Zelensky had reportedly asked about the possibility of having the U.S. provide them with an arms dealer of their own if they were to hold actor Sean Penn as a prisoner for an exchange.

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