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SHREVEPORT, LA — During a meeting about an “exciting opportunity,” Emily Levin became progressively more anxious as her old high-school friend Taylor Selick continued to assure her that this work-from-home business was not, in fact, a pyramid scheme. Source
Archive for the ‘Life’ Category
Woman’s Work-From-Home Business Pitch Contains Concerning Number Of Assurances It’s Not A Pyramid Scheme
July 25th, 2022 
Awake Goy I.T. Guy Miraculously Fixes 10 Employees’ Laptops But Only 1 Returns To Say Thank You
July 25th, 2022 Awake Goy CUPERTINO, CA — Humble PC technician Crisanto Peralta at Future Products Inc. was disheartened Thursday when he fixed the laptops of ten employees, but only one returned to say thank you. Source
Toddler Waits Patiently To Vomit Until 5 Minutes Before Parents’ Date Night
July 24th, 2022 Awake Goy SHREVEPORT, LA — Plans for a relaxing date night were dashed upon the rocks of parenthood Thursday when Sam and Jen Goldwind witnessed 2-year-old Daenerys vomit just five minutes before leaving. Early reports indicate that the child had patiently waited to vomit until precisely the right moment in a ruse to keep her parents home. […]
10 Biggest Adjustments Fleeing Californians Have To Make In Their New States
July 22nd, 2022 Awake Goy Hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing California for states like Texas and Florida, but it’s not always easy to adjust to life in an American state. Source
Man Pretends To Enjoy Tea Beverage With Little Slimy Balls Floating In It
July 16th, 2022 Awake Goy PASADENA, CA — While out with friends, local man Kevin Bann put up a valiant effort to feign enjoyment of an orange watery substance with little slimy balls floating in it. His friends have confirmed he is “very cool” and “with the times.” Source
Liberal Neighbors In Game Of Chicken To See Who Will Take Down Their ‘Black Lives Matter’ Sign First
July 16th, 2022 Awake Goy ANN ARBOR, MI — According to sources, two neighbors in an upscale liberal suburb are currently locked in a battle of chicken to see who will be the first person to take down their “Black Lives Matter” yard sign — thereby showing the entire neighborhood they’ve stopped caring about black lives. Source
Family Buys Lake Cabin So They Can Spend Their Vacations Fixing Things Too
July 10th, 2022 Awake Goy CRYSTAL LAKE, MI — After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things. Source
Can You Spot All The Signs Of Racism In This Patriotic Picture?
July 6th, 2022 Awake Goy Racism is everywhere — especially on July 4th! To be a good anti-racist, you must train yourself to see racism everywhere and then loudly and obnoxiously point it out to everyone you meet. Source
Convenient Napkin Dispenser Lets You Grab Either A Handful Of 50 Napkins Or Tear A Small Corner Off 1 Napkin
June 29th, 2022 Awake Goy U.S. — In what dispenser experts are calling an “exciting step forward for waste and frustration,” United Dispensers, LLC announced that this year’s model will dispense either 50 napkins or 0 napkins with a millimeter of tearaway trash for increased irritation. Source
Delivery Guy Patiently Waits ‘Til You’re In Bathroom To Deliver Package That Requires Signature
June 25th, 2022 Awake Goy U.S.—Shocking new research has revealed that delivery persons carrying sensitive packages will oftentimes hide in the bushes outside the delivery address until the intended recipient is in the bathroom, at which point they will jump out of their hiding place, ring the doorbell and courteously wait three seconds before leaving a note that the package could not be […]
Man Awarded Honorary Doctorate After Posting Wordle Score Where He Got It In 3 Guesses
March 13th, 2022 Awake Goy INNSMOUTH, MA—Local man Jordan Smith was awarded an honorary doctorate degree from a local university after he posted his Wordle score to social media. Representatives from the college quickly contacted him and offered him the Ph.D. when they saw that he got the answer in just three guesses. “Look at this guy — he got […]
Wife Dresses In Bomb Suit To Open Pressurized Biscuit Canister
March 10th, 2022 Awake Goy GREENVILLE, SC—According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits. “Yeah, I’ve been opening these things for years. I take no chances when it comes to opening a can of biscuits,” she […]
Husband Promises He Will Someday Do Something With That Cool Piece Of Wood He’s Had In Garage For 10 Years
March 6th, 2022 Awake Goy AUSTIN, TX—Local husband Alexander Woodman surprised his wife Barbara with a lunch date on Friday in which he pledged his continued love for her and also promised to someday do something with that cool piece of wood he’s had in the garage for the last ten years. “Barb,” he said after ordering two glasses of Veuve […]
‘World War 3 Is Really Stressing Me Out,’ Woman Tells Girlfriends Over Brunch
March 1st, 2022 Awake Goy SEATTLE—Local woman Katie Chambers sat down to brunch with her friends at a popular vegan cafe in downtown Seattle where they gossiped about men, sex, and the land invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces. “World War 3 is really stressing me out,” said Katie, literally shaking. “I have Pilates at 3, but if we all die […]
Sudden Spike In Women Advocating For Traditional Gender Roles Now That WW3 Starting
February 26th, 2022 Awake Goy U.S.—Women all over America have suddenly abandoned their feminist ideologies and are now advocating for traditional gender roles now that World War III has begun. They’ve quit jobs and, if single, have begun searching for a man to marry so they can have as many kids as possible as quickly as possible. “I don’t know […]
Wife Tragically Freezes To Death After Husband Doesn’t Bring Blanket Fast Enough
February 26th, 2022 Awake Goy CHARLESTON, SC—A local woman was found dead yesterday after her husband failed to bring her a blanket fast enough. The couple had reportedly sat down to binge-watch Gilmore Girls for the fifth time when his wife asked him to retrieve a blanket from the hall closet. However, by the time he returned it was already too […]
Relevance of Prof Randhir Singh’s political thoughts
January 30th, 2022 Awake Goy Prof Randhir Singh was a Marxist scholar, political theorist and teacher from India. He was one of the founders of the student movement in India in the 1930s and a freedom fighter who remained in jail during India’s freedom struggles in the 1940s. He was put in the same barrack in Lahore Central Jail where […]
Vivekananda: Monk who highlighted Humanism of Hinduism
January 13th, 2022 Awake Goy As we celebrate the birth anniversary (12th January) of the saffron robed monk who projected spirituality of Hinduism, the diversity and syncretic nature of India, it is very reassuring. His teachings are in total contrast to the present scenario, where many saffron robed are promoting hate and inciting violence in the name of same religion. […]
Wife Encourages Husband To Buy Thing So She Can Justify Buying Other Thing
January 13th, 2022 Awake Goy CEDAR CITY, UT—According to sources, local wife Sarah Quint has encouraged her husband to buy a new video game he’s been wanting, which will allow her to justify her impending purchase of an air fryer, new shoes, cute pens, and a “really cute” $300 umbrella. “I have given my husband a pass to buy something silly,” said Sarah as she symbolically […]
A New Record: Husband Completes Home Improvement Project In Only 83 Trips To Hardware Store
January 11th, 2022 Awake Goy McCOOL JUNCTION, NE—The Guinness World Records confirmed on Monday that local man, Jeremy Humdrum, has set a new record for the least amount of trips by a husband to Home Depot for a single project. Sources say the project was to replace three outlets in a kitchen. Humdrum had compiled a list of materials he would need, […]
Posted in Life 
Tags: completes, hardware, husband, improvement, project, record, trips 
No Comments »Report: Your Phone Just Buzzed In Your Pocket. UPDATE: No It Didn’t
January 4th, 2022 Awake Goy Report: Your Phone Just Buzzed In Your Pocket. UPDATE: No It Didn’t WASHINGTON, D.C.—A report filed by the FCC with the Public Safety and Homeland Security office has revealed your phone just buzzed in your pocket. However, the report’s findings were retracted after you looked at your phone in confusion. Details of the report indicate a message required your […]
Ancestor That Fought In World War 2 Looks Down And Sees Descendant Publicly Kissing With A Mask On
January 4th, 2022 Awake Goy Ancestor That Fought In World War 2 Looks Down And Sees Descendant Publicly Kissing With A Mask On U.S.—Sources close to Megan Anderson and her boyfriend Jimmy Lytle claim that the couple kissed outdoors while wearing a mask, prompting Lytle’s ancestor, who fought in World War 2, to look down in shame and judgment from […]
Report: Celebration That Requires You To Stay Up Past Midnight Far Less Appealing Once You Turn 30
January 1st, 2022 Awake Goy Report: Celebration That Requires You To Stay Up Past Midnight Far Less Appealing Once You Turn 30 U.S.—According to multiple, increasingly tired sources across the United States and around the world, the annual celebration that requires you to stay up past midnight is far less appealing once you turn thirty. Partygoers across the country in […]
Reminiscing Bishop Desmond Tutu – A Postscript on the Apostle of Peace
December 29th, 2021 Awake Goy Image credit/BBC Golden names like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Desmond Tutu invariably surface on the mental canopy of world public when topics as human rights, liberation struggle, human freedom and the like, especially when those of the oppressed, suppressed, persecuted and downtrodden among coloured and black peoples go afloat. The last […]
NASA seeking help from Theologians to Announce the arrival of the Aliens
December 29th, 2021 Awake Goy NASA has enlisted the help of theologians to examine how the world would react if sentient life was found on other planets (aka the alien hoax agenda) and what impacts such a discovery would have on deeply-held beliefs about divinity and creation. The US space agency has recruited some 24 scholars so far […]
Santa Claus Sleighjacked While Delivering Toys In Philly
December 25th, 2021 Awake Goy PHILADELPHIA, PA—The Philadelphia Police Department today confirmed Santa Claus was sleighjacked while trying to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls in the city. “I parked to check Google Maps and suddenly there was this guy with a gun forcing me out of the sleigh,” a tearful Claus told police. “I didn’t […]
Report: 90% Of Dads Running Errands Are Just Doing It To Get Some Peace And Quiet
December 24th, 2021 Awake Goy Report: 90% Of Dads Running Errands Are Just Doing It To Get Some Peace And Quiet WORLD—A team of researchers has confirmed what women have long speculated: 90% of dads are running errands just to get some peace and quiet. “I knew it!” cried Jill Krundy, a local mother of 2. “I knew he didn’t really […]
Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves
December 23rd, 2021 Awake Goy Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves DALLAS—Southwest Airlines has announced a new and exciting boarding procedure where passengers are given a deadly melee weapon and encouraged to sort it out themselves instead of bothering the flight crew. “We are thrilled to introduce […]
Posted in Life Tags: boarding, everyone, given, introduces, procedure, Southwest, where No Comments »White House Decorated With Touching Christmas Message ‘YOU WILL DIE’
December 23rd, 2021 Awake Goy WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation’s capital grew even more festive as the White House unveiled its facade lit with a resplendent light display spelling out the touching message, “YOU WILL DIE.” The holiday message of light and hope comes at a dark time for our nation, as millions of Americans have chosen to ignore scientifically rigorous government […]
Progressive Family Leaves Milk, Cookies, And Rapid COVID Test For Santa
December 21st, 2021 Awake Goy CONCORD, VT—A local family claims to have improved upon the classic Christmas tradition of leaving milk and cookies for Santa Claus by adding a Rapid COVID Test into the mix. “In these trying times, it’s important to remember the jolly fat man who travels the world in a single night. He’s at high risk of […]
