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May 25th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
ATLANTA, GA—Despite getting vaccinated, many concerned liberals want to keep wearing masks to show how concerned they are about fighting the pandemic, despite the masks being completely pointless. To help those liberals out, the CDC has introduced a new article of clothing vaccinated people can wear to let everyone know they’re vaccinated but still really worried about the coronavirus: a special anti-virus hat.
The new conical, pointed hat, much like masks, uses special science-magic to keep viruses away. It’s called the Device Using Neurological Conical Elements (or DUNCE, for short, and labeled thus) and is perfect for anyone who is vaccinated but still constantly thinking about catching COVID-19.
“A lot of people just can’t accept that vaccines work,” said Bob CDC, founder and director of the CDC. “So now we have this special hat for those people to wear everywhere. It loudly declares, ‘I’m vaccinated but still super scared of the virus.’ Which is exactly the statement liberals want to make.”
“I never go anywhere without my special hat!” declared concerned liberal Randall Wood. “Though I still wear two masks with it, too, just in case.” He got sad for a moment, though. “The only problem is it’s too tall to wear when I’m alone in the car.”
The DUNCE hat does not come in children’s sizes– and stop asking for it, you idiots.
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