Charles Hurt: Happy Thanksgiving from Bidenland, Where the Highs Aren’t Possible Without the Lows

TIGHTSQUEEZE, Virginia — As the great philosopher-poet Bret Michaels taught us, every rose has its thorn.

Every night has its dawn.

Every Cowboy sings his sad, sad song.

The highs in life are not possible without the lows. Love is not possible without the sting of pain. And joy is impossible without hardship.

So, this year, let’s all give thanks for the presidency of Joe Biden.

It has been nearly a half-century since we last saw gas lines and families worried over whether they could afford to heat their homes or put food on the table for Thanksgiving.

Every few times in a century, it is important for Americans to have a crash course in economics — lest we forget to appreciate how truly lucky we are to live in America, this land of bounty and endless opportunity.

We are sure due for another class in stagflation.

Not since the great Georgia peanut economist Jimmy Carter was in the White House have we talked this much about inflation. New polling shows a staggering 77% of Americans agree that inflation is upon us and threatening to ruin their Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The other 23% are in college.

Perhaps most troubling for President Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris — his insurance policy against the 25th Amendment — is that 57% blame Mr. Biden for this sudden economic malaise.

Speaking of Jimmy Carter, now is also a good time to give thanks that it was Jimmy Carter who faced off against the blood-thirsty bunny rabbits and not Joe Biden. Can you imagine? President Biden would have surely been slain by those furry villains.

Gas prices. Inflation. Sweaters indoors. It’s high time we remind ourselves how much we appreciate the simpler things in life.

It is true that history repeats itself, especially for morons who refuse to learn it. But history always repeats itself with little alterations, personal signatures by the morons who force us to repeat it. The bigger the moron, the bigger the alteration.

So while Joe Biden blundered into a crash course in stagflation, he asked himself: “How can I really put my imprint on this? How can I distinguish this economic morass from the one Jimmy Carter gave us?”

It’s a tough question. How do you top ferocious bunny rabbits, gas lines, sweaters indoors, and hopeless American hostages in Iran?

Well, Joe Biden didn’t spend 50 years in Washington to learn absolutely nothing.

“How about I crash the supply chain!” he exclaimed to a potted plant on the patio outside the Oval Office just before Secret Service stepped in and wrestled the plant to the ground.

Sitting at home preparing for his next Sunday school lecture, Jimmy Carter kicked himself. “Why didn’t I think of that!”

Of course, nobody has more to be thankful for than Joe Biden himself. Somehow he managed to stumble into the only profession on the planet in the only town in the world where it is apparently impossible to be fired from.

I mean, seriously. Is there any other job on earth where somebody can be this bad for this long and still have a paying job?

Also, Mr. Biden can give thanks for the communist nation of China. Without China, the world would not have had the pandemic that got him elected president.

Also, he can give thanks for his son, who is very industrious when it comes to the communist government of China. Also, that son shares his banking account with his father. If that’s not family values, I don’t know what is!

Most of all, Mr. Biden can give thanks for the media, which is still hilariously covering for the old coot.

They are in full lecture mode about how all this inflation and high gas prices are not Joe Biden’s fault. Anyway, they say, suck it up.

This Thanksgiving, skip the turkey! Take up a collection to charge your family for dinner! Not only will you raise a little coin, but you might also dissuade some from coming to dinner in the first place!

These people really are rotten monsters.

But there is another thing that we can all give thanks for alongside Joe Biden.

Standing there in the wings, right beside him, with her little ceremonial office in the White House, is a stunning reminder that as bad as Joe Biden is, it really could be so much worse.

Kamala Harris.

Just last week, Mr. Biden went to the doctor. His doctor put Mr. Biden under the gas for a colonoscopy, according to the White House. And for 83 terrifying minutes, Ms. Harris was acting president — a period that will be known for the rest of history as “the colonoscopy presidency.”

So, America, count your blessings. It really could be so much worse. And please, Dear God, keep the bunnies and potted plants away from the Oval Office!

• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at the Washington Times.


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