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December 21st, 2021 
Awake Goy 
MURFREESBORO, TN—A local church shattered records today as the viewer count for its livestream service grew to a total of three viewers. The record viewership marks an important milestone for New Wine Church, which routinely suffers from a lack of online visibility.
Streaming data indicates two of the viewers were local shut-ins that could no longer make it to services. The third viewer was from Eastern Ukraine and viewed the service for a total of four minutes.
Pastor Rob Donahue was thrilled. “Finally!” he exclaimed. “The gospel has come to Eastern Ukraine!”
Despite this unprecedented success, church leadership isn’t ready to rest on their laurels. “This is a great moment,” said Pastor Rob. “But we can’t celebrate yet. We’ve got to focus on getting four viewers, maybe even five. They don’t all have to be from Ukraine. I’d settle for reaching someone in Malaysia or Kenya.”
The pastor then announced he’d be asking the deacons to double the video budget, increasing it to one thousand dollars.
At publishing time, it was discovered that the Ukrainian viewer clicked a link to New Wine Church’s service by mistake and then quickly went back to his usual Eastern Orthodox livestream.
Are you a horrible person but on the right side of history? Santa is shocked to discover that’s all it takes to be on the nice list.
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