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January 4th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
ATLANTA, GA—CNN President Jeff Zucker announced today that the company’s new strategies for preventing workplace sexual assaults appear to be working. “We’re proud to announce that there hasn’t been a single sex scandal at CNN this year,” he said. “After the 879 scandals we had last year, that’s some serious progress!”
The network got serious about preventing sexual assault after local authorities threatened to make them move their Atlanta headquarters last month. “The town said we had to either fire all the registered sex offenders that work here or find a new building at least 1,500 feet away from any elementary schools,” Zucker noted. “It’s a tight real estate market, so we chose the former.”
Zucker said CNN has implemented a number of corporate policies designed to reduce the likelihood of sexual assault in the workplace, including the following:
- Hanging posters in the breakroom reading “Just say no to sexual assault” and “What would Stacey Abrams do?”
- Hiring Chris Hansen of “To Catch A Predator” fame to wander around the office making note of the nervous people.
- Preemptively firing all of their handsy Italian hosts.
“With all of these changes, we fully expect 2022 to be a scandal-free year here at CNN,” Zucker exclaimed before abruptly ending the interview to take an urgent call from the legal department.
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