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June 3rd, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WADSWORTH, OH—Local couple Cole and Brittany Fisher proudly announced today the arrival of baby Gabe, their long-sought ticket out of every social situation on planet earth.
“We are just so, so excited to finally be able to watch Netflix more,” beamed Cole proudly. “My mom won’t stop rambling at dinner? Baby Gabe! Nephew’s ball game goes to extra innings? Baby Gabe! I’m telling you, this little guy – well, he’s a miracle.”
The couple began tossing around the idea of having a baby after seeing Brittany’s pregnant friend Jamie excuse herself from a wedding to go puke in a trash can. “Wow! Morning sickness thing seems pretty bulletproof,” said Brittany, scheming her way to Downton Abbey.
Months later, during a couples’ game night, someone pulled out Settlers Of Catan, complete with 23 expansion packs. All of a sudden, new-mom Jamie looked at her phone and said, “Oh no! Babysitter texted and said our little guy has a fever, got to run!” Immediately, Cole and Brittany locked eyes, and whispered to each other, “Let’s make a baby!”
Ten months later, instead of being at their niece’s piano recital, Cole and Brittany curled up on the couch next to a bowl of popcorn. “Who’s up for some Hoarders?” Cole asked the sleeping bundle next to them. “Of course you are, little man! Ha! Love this kid.”
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