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May 2nd, 2021 
Awake Goy 
Couple Spends 3 Hours Picking Movie One Of Them Will Fall Asleep To In 12 Minutes
BOISE, ID—According to sources, local couple Ryan and Jessica Smith spent 3 hours looking for a movie to watch last night, only for Ryan to fall asleep 12 minutes into the film.
“He does this every time!” said a frustrated Mrs. Smith to reporters. “It takes the entire evening to scroll through our Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, HBO, and Apple TV accounts to find something we both feel like watching. As soon as we start the movie, he just falls asleep.
Experts have confirmed that the average American spends 1000% more time scrolling through their options than they do actually watching something.
Mr. Smith disagreed, insisting he stayed awake for the entirety of last week’s monthly viewing of Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition. “Besides, I’m awake right now! I’m totally interested in this movie and I’m… not… falling… asleep…” he said before tipping his head back and falling asleep.
Twelve minutes after Ryan fell asleep, Jessica also fell asleep.
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