Jew World Order

I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my teeth. As a kid, I had buck teeth, braces once, underdeveloped incisors, my first set of wisdom teeth removed at 14 (they later grew back as a special surprise!), braces again, a dozen cavities over the years, and then, when I thought I could skip wearing my retainer in college, my teeth reverted to a crowded, messy arrangement. Then, I lost one molar to a Hi-Chew and part of my front tooth to a bike accident. 

I tell you all this because it’s true and it’s been a giant pain in the ass, but at the end of the day, I actually like my smile… for the most part. I have big ol’ teeth that love to make their presence known at the slightest sensation of amusement on my behalf. Sometimes my teeth feel too big in my mouth when I’m over-caffeinated or stoned, and I feel like Mr. Dink from Doug, but whatever. Anyway, I liked my smile well enough until a couple of summers ago when I went on a trip to Iceland with a friend of mine and he took a photo of me that had me like…. “Is that really the color of my teeth?” Like, I’m in my 30s, I don’t smoke, and I barely drink coffee—yet my teeth are suddenly yellow? Is this a sick joke?

When I got home from the trip, I went into panic mode. I hate going to the dentist (like, I go get my teeth cleaned and everything, but grumble the whole way), don’t want to deal with custom molds and all of that crap, and am freaked out by the notion of those zings of extreme sensitivity that some people report after getting professional whitening procedures done. I turned to the great pharmacy in the sky, where I always try to solve my problems before seeking expert advice: Amazon. What was the latest in easily accessible consumer teeth-whitening technology? What could I try first, before having to go full appointment-making mode? 

No cap: Crest Whitestrips have been around forever, and have earned a rock-solid reputation for actually working (see: the 70,000+ five-star reviews for various kits). But I didn’t have all the time in the world to be using strips every day for months on end. I was not liking what I was seeing, and I needed results fast, or my body dysmorphia was going to truly pop off and I was going to stop smiling entirely. What I found from poking around on Amazon was that there’s a slightly upgraded Crest 3D Whitestrips kit that comes with a blue LED light you use on yourself; I figured, I’ll just try this stupid kit that probably won’t work, and then I’ll probably have to hit up Groupon and take my chompers to get some nuclear-strength blue chemicals put on them so that I can once again experience joy and security. 

Crest

3D Whitestrips with Light Kit

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$69.99$62.35 at Amazon

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$69.99$62.35 at Amazon

Well, first things first: It was a low-commitment investment at around 50 bucks (the price fluctuates by about 10 to 20 dollars on Amazon, so now they’re like, $62). (What makes these strips “3D” while other strips are “Professional Effects” or just normal Whitestrips? IDK, fam, and it doesn’t seem that important relative to the other specs.) There are 10 strips each for your top and bottom teeth, and you wear them for an hour and then use the light for five minutes. For comparison, a standard set of Whitestrips contains anywhere from 14 to 44 strips—way more, and way slower results. Like, I’m not spending 44 hours of my life with gooey plastic on my teeth to then decide whether it was working. Ten hours sounded great to me!

Like all Whitestrips, they have a slightly sweet, kind of foamy, peroxide-y taste, but it’s easy to find an hour to throw one on. After an hour, you use the blue LED light by holding it in place with your lips (a very weird sensation, and not something I want to do in the presence of others, but not terribly uncomfortable) and after five minutes, a little beep tells you you’re good to go.

I took a photo before starting the process, but didn’t think to take one after every single strip sesh. But I didn’t have to—after only two strips, I already noticed a considerable difference. The yellow tinge was completely gone and I was only a fifth of the way through the kit. After another two strips, I once again noticed a huge difference. Honestly, if this was the end result after the full kit, I would have been stoked, and I still had six strips to go! Somehow, the whitening even worked on the part of my front tooth that’s fake (from the aforementioned bike accident). 

Sorry, I know this close up is scary. But look at that before and after! Photo by the author

I used a strip once every two to six days, so I finished the kit in about a month. I consider my teeth and gums pretty sensitive, and sometimes, the day after using a strip they’d feel a little bit tickly/zingy, but nothing crazy or bad enough to make me want to stop; I might just wait an extra couple of days before using my next strip. So, the results: While it’s hard to replicate the exact same lighting in every photo, I took all of these totally unedited pix in the same room in mid-afternoon, sans makeup. I see a big difference; do you? I’d guess that my teeth are at least two shades whiter—possibly even three or four. I even got a couple of compliments from friends who noticed a change. 

In fact, the difference has been so considerable (and so pleasing to me) that I have even paused plans to look into Invisalign this year (crowding be damned). I guess that when your teeth are white, the other imperfections become less bothersome. While I saw that the reviews on Amazon were strongly positive before ordering the strips, I didn’t really dig into the customer feedback until after I’d already started the kit, and it seems I’m not the only one who this kit really worked on; it has a 4.5-star rating from nearly 15,000 reviews. 

This is all to say, to my slightly-yellow-toothed brethren, you can fix that for the cost of a two-mimosa brunch. And it’s extremely worth it. 

The Crest 3D Whitestrips With Light kit is available at Amazon. 

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