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January 8th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
Is your infant crying uncontrollably and you would try next to anything to get them to stop? Have you been up all night and would just like a moment of peace and quiet?
Well, we’ve been there too, so we know a few tricks to use that will absolutely not work:
1) Diaper Change: Makes sense to try, but no. Still crying.
2) Warm Bottle: Nothing like a fresh bottle to appease your inconsolable ba—oh great that didn’t work either.
3) Burping: It’s gotta be trapped gas right? No. No, it is not.
4) Swaddling and Rocking: Your baby is just a little cranky and simply needs a soft blanky and to be gently rocked to sleep. Nice try, but that just made everything worse! Now they’re hot AND their stomach is upset too!
5) Become a Babylon Bee premium subscriber: This won’t stop your unhappy baby from screaming, but at least you’ll be ad-free on our site!
6) Cry with them: Hey—if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!
We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!
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