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May 4th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Move over, Champ and Major! There’s a new pet in the Biden family, and he may be the ticket to smoothing over relations with China. The White House has officially announced the arrival of their new cat “Chairman Meow”.
Meow has been named after the revolutionary Communist leader who founded the People’s Republic of China: Chairman Mao.
“We are so excited to welcome ‘Chairman Meow’ to the family,” said a beaming President Biden. “We got him from Beijing. He already thinks he’s in charge of the place! Ha! That rascal. Always walking on the keyboard in the Situation Room, sending funny messages. And lemme tell ya– he smells great. Come here and let me sniff you, little devil!” yelled Biden as he chased after the new pet.
After a couple of early unfortunate incidents with Major, the Secret Service has been forced to divert a squad to protect Chairman Meow. The assignment has become highly coveted, as it never involves restraining the President from trying to punch a mirror.
According to sources, Chairman Meow is already exercising his will over White House staff. He has already sent one caretaker to the labor camps after he failed to heat up his Fancy Feast to the proper temperature.
When reached for comment, the cat responded, saying: “meow.”
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