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March 24th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki has revealed her secret to how she so masterfully handles every White House press briefing. Her key to success comes from early morning sessions of playing dodgeball.
“Every morning I wake up at 5am to play a rigorous 3-hour game of dodgeball to warm up for press briefings,” explained Jen Psaki. “It’s a cutthroat world out there when I’m not being tossed softball questions, and I have to find new ways to dodge them. I have to be prepared for anything!”
“It’s like my dear mentor and coach Patches O’Houlihan always says: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge straightforward, easy to answer questions about the President’s administration.”
“Again!” said her coach, launching dodgeballs labeled ‘Border Crisis’, ‘Is Biden Alive?’, and ‘Unchecked National Debt’ directly at her. “You have to be ready for this! Now faster next time.”
Jen Psaki proceeded to duck, dive and dodge like a true champion. “I’ll circle back on that!” she shouted masterfully spinning out of the way when asked why gas prices are skyrocketing.
At publishing time, Jen Psaki expressed her hope to keep her “Days since answering a question in a meaningful, informative way” record going for at least the next 4 years.
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