Libertarians To Begin Wearing Masks Now That Government Says They Don’t Have To

CONCORD, NH—Local libertarian man Bernard Paulson hasn’t worn a mask the entire pandemic, saying that it’s his constitutional right to go where he wants, sneeze when he wants, and lick any doorknob he so pleases.

But now, the CDC has eased up on mask guidelines and says they aren’t required for many situations. Paulson, wanting to show his rebelliousness and love for liberty, quickly bought a box of masks from his liberal neighbor and started wearing them everywhere he went.

“What right does the government have to tell me not to wear a mask? You know what, I’m going to wear a mask forever. How about that? Whatchya gonna do now, big, bad, federal government? Are you gonna come and try to take my guns now? Huh? HUH!?” Paulson said.

“Yeah, I don’t know, man, I just work here,” an uncomfortable Target employee replied. “Can I, like, help you find something, or do you want to speak to a manager or anything like that?”

Paulson yelled something about being detained and departed, driving to his shelter to hide underground as long as possible, as he’d heard the government say it was now OK to go outside.


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