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August 30th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
NEWARK, NJ — Critically acclaimed, larger-than-life star Lizzo, recently accepted her music video award at MTV’s VMAs. While doing so, the artist took the time to speak out about the systemic oppression of having to walk all the way down to this stage to accept an award she can’t even eat.
“I will not stand for these fat-shaming, fat-phobic award shows that continue to oppress me by the expectation that I should have to walk all this way just to accept an award,” said Lizzo trying to catch her breath. “And what’s the point of this stupid thing anyway? You can’t even eat it! Believe me. I’ve tried.”
The artist went on to encourage young girls everywhere instead to be healthy at any weight and to “treat yo-self” to that hot fudge cake breakfast you deserve and to reject hateful, fat-phobic words like diabetes, heart disease, and heart failure.
“We take accusations of oppression VERY seriously around here,” said Fred Sissyblum, an MTV VMA spokesman. “That’s why next year we will be providing all attendees with their own personal Hoveround mobility scooter, as well as replacing all of our awards with McDonald’s McFlurries.”
At publishing time, MTV had announced that as part of their promise to do better and prevent oppression, the 2022 VMAs would be held at a local Golden Corral.
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
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