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June 30th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
UNDERGROUND LAIR, AZ—Somewhere in the foothills of Arizona, Mike Lindell has been hard at work developing the most comfortable, soothing straitjacket on earth, guaranteed to help his followers feel safe and warm as security guards blast them with ketamine darts.
“When I get tired of blowing open Dominion voting machines with real TNT, there’s nothing I like better than cozying up to watch Trump rally re-runs in a straightjacket,” said Mr. Lindell. “I guarantee, you have never felt less able to do yourself bodily harm than inside this bad boy. It’s just like a glove, but for your body and with lots of very secure straps.”
Mr. Lindell plans to make the first set available at his next public event, the “Trump Patriots Freedom, Liberty, And Ammo Festival”—where all proceeds will go to Trump’s inauguration, loosely scheduled for mid-August. Attendees can be fitted for custom straitjackets, signed by Mr. Lindell himself if he has the use of his arms.
“Each straightjacket comes with a special feature I call ‘Return Of The King’, totally original idea,” explained Mr. Lindell. “When Trump is inaugurated again and this horrible nightmare is over, I can press one button from my home and all of the straps will be loosened, no matter where you are. Just imagine: you’ll be sitting in a padded room somewhere, and all of a sudden, the chains will loosen!—and you will know Trump has returned to his throne. Two for one while supplies last!”
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