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May 4th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
Newly Elected Representative Pledges To Spend Every Minute Fighting To Get Reelected
TOWNSVILLEBURG, U.S.—Speaking before a group of loyal supporters who seriously believe an individual politician can really make a difference for their small town, a newly elected representative pledged that he would spend every minute fighting to get reelected.
Voice wavering, the candidate vowed, “I will be your mouthpiece, shaking the halls of Congress, boldly fighting for your most cherished ideal, which is that I continue to stay in office for years to come.” Raising a hand to calm the uproarious applause, he continued, “Trust me, no one knows the difficulties you face as a community in reelecting me more than I do, and that’s why I’m the man for the job.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity after the rally, local man Victor Bulberson– who lives in the rusted-out AMC rambler behind the local post office– said, “You bet I’m voting for him. I feel he really understands what we value around here. He really gets us.”
Political analysts commended the candidate’s courage to take on such an uphill battle for his constituents. They raised concerns, however, that such a pledge may not differentiate the candidate from his opponent, who made the exact same promise to an equally gullible flock of supporters the previous day.
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