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August 19th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
AUBURN, WA—According to sources at the Jackson household, Mrs. Grace Jackson made delicious cookie dough that was soft and moist and perfect, one of the greatest creations of human civilization. Jackson had whipped up the cookie dough and placed it on little mounds in a tray, causing everyone in the house to salivate over the heavenly substance.
And then she went and ruined it by putting it in the oven. While the baked discs of heated-up cookie dough that came out of the oven a little while later were “OK,” they were a far cry from the perfection she had achieved with the cookie dough earlier that day.
“Nooooo!!!” screamed her husband and kids as they realized what she’d done. They frantically looked around for the spoon to lick, but it was too late, as she’d already rinsed it out. “What’d you do!?!”
Millions of pounds of cookie dough are pointlessly baked and turned into a lesser food every year, according to researchers. Housewives, bakery owners, and children doing cooking projects with their parents say they bake the cookie dough to “make delicious chocolate chip cookies” and “get that melty chocolate taste” and “not get salmonella.” But whatever their reasoning, it’s clear that we must band together as a species and stop this pointless ruining of cookie dough. It’s science.
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