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August 29th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
BATON ROUGE, LA — A rescue party going through the wreckage formerly known as the “First Baptist Baton Rouge Nursery” found an ominous note scrawled out, warning that “they are coming.”
“We cannot get out,” read the note scrawled into the wall, hidden behind a mountain of debris. “Here may be found the last words of Gloria, head nursery worker,” said lead rescuer John Mayfield. “We must move on quickly, team. We cannot linger.”
Just then, Mayfield spotted a tattered diary amongst the remains. “They have taken the Playskool kitchenette,” he read aloud in a grave voice. “And the second coloring station. We have barred the craft closet, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Sugar moves in their veins. We cannot get out.”
At that moment, one of the rescue team member’s phones rang, playing the Paw Patrol theme song full volume. The team winced in fear at the shouted name of every pup, as the worker desperately tried to silence his ringer. “Fool of a Smith!” yelled Mr. Mayfield at his medic. “They can hear that call from miles away! Go volunteer for the youth group ski trip, and rid us all of your stupidity!”
Moments later, the rescue team heard them – the drums.
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
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