Scholars Believe Jacob Forced The Angel To Tap Out With A Wicked Powerbomb

AMMAN, JORDAN — New evidence uncovered by researchers at the University of Jordan sheds new light on the scriptural tale of Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord. Scholars now believe the epic wrestling match ended after Jacob performed a wicked powerbomb, forcing the angel to tap out.

In the book of Genesis Jacob wrestles with “a man” after sending his two wives and his two female servants across the ford of the Jabbok River (modern-day Zarqa River). “The man” turns out to be an angel of the Lord and Jacob is renamed Israel after their battle, which experts now believe was meant to be a wrestling alter ego that came with a funny mask and several cool catchphrases, one of which was “Here comes the thunder!”, and another of which was “Climb THIS ladder, Philistine!”

This updated analysis comes after a team of archaeologists uncovered an “epic crater” in the shape of a human being that experts believe could only have been created by an ancient powerbomb.

“This adds a new layer of understanding to the traditional story,” said Dr. Hassan Ahmed. “In the biblical text, the angel attempts to end the match at daybreak by simply touching Jacob’s hip and instantly pulling it out of joint. It’s clear that the angel had power over Jacob the entire time and that the fight served some other purpose. This is the first recorded instance of a fixed match.”

“Then, probably for the crowd of women on the opposite end of the river, Jacob proceeded to powerbomb the angel,” he continued. “It must have been an exciting match.”

“But that doesn’t mean it was fake!” he added. “I guarantee the angel felt that powerbomb.”

The discovery comes after renewed interest in the region inspired by textual fragments of what scholars say is the oldest known copy of Genesis. According to new textual evidence, Exodus 3:26 should now read, “But he said, ‘I will not let You go unless You bless me! BODYSLAM!’ And lo, Jacob did thus execute a brilliant powerbomb.”

The University of Jordan is reportedly excited to be at the forefront of a major biblical study, for once beating out its rival The Hebrew University of Jerusalem.

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