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January 6th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
JERUSALEM—Scholars working with the Israel Antiquities Authority have uncovered new evidence that suggests the biblical David was only able to defeat Goliath because he had the high ground.
The evidence in question, a fragment of a scroll discovered in the Valley of Elah, is mostly illegible but does contain the well known Hebrew taunt, “אל תנסה את זה” (Don’t try it!) as well as a reference to a gentle slope of the land.
In the biblical account, Goliath challenges David to a duel to decide the fate of Israel. David accepts despite King Saul’s warnings that he is “but a youth” and “super scrawny, man.” In the end, David defeats Goliath with the aid of the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. However, this new information supplements the original account by suggesting divine providence led David to a small hill.
Dr. Borne of Harvard University lent his experience in military studies to a peer-reviewed paper published in the American Journal of Archaeology in which he wrote, “It comes as no surprise that David would have utilized the high ground in his battle with Goliath. Whether an alleged god was with him or not, if David did not hold the high ground he would have been instantly destroyed. In all of military history, no one has won a battle from the low ground.”
The remarkable find was later abandoned when the area was paved over to make way for a new COVID testing site.
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