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August 26th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
I guess you could say I have a sensitive body. Literally anything will make me bloated: a bowl of oatmeal (WTF), chips, bread, alcohol; a carby, salty meal; all my favorite foods. I just can’t win. If I consume these things before bed, forget it, the bloat goes straight to my face. I suppose it’s because I’m in a laying down position, but who knows? I’m not an expert in bloat (what a strange statement). It mostly comes for me after my weekend escapades, when most of the consumption of spicy margaritas, rum and Cokes, and pickle-back shots take place. And, with that comes the drunk snacks aftermath of salty carbs. Not a great combo for avoiding bloat, although delicious.
The morning comes around, and regret ensues once a hangover sets in. Waking up to a not-so-hot, puffy-as-hell look in the mirror is a lucid nightmare I didn’t ask for. I have enough bad dreams during my REM sleep, so I would really appreciate a break upon awakening, but the sodium truly comes for me. There are ways I can soothe my skin when it comes to breakouts, oiliness, and redness—this Kiehl’s face mask brought me peace in that area of my life—but hangover bloating is impervious to fancy skincare products and can legit ruin my day. I’m seething just thinking about it. Nausea is one thing, but I will not tolerate facial bloat.
Through the powers of the internet, I have found the help I need—thanks to ice rolling, which is truly a morning-after lifesaver. And my weapon of choice against post-salty-snacky-drinky-face is the cult-fave Esarora Ice Roller.
This ice roller is a cold, plastic rolling pin for your face, to get straight to the point. You pop the roller in the fridge to make it frosty, then retrieve it in the morning when you need to de-puff. Just roll it all over your face for a massaging effect better than any masseuse in the Lower East Side. Just as a foam roller can help smooth and release tension in our muscles after a workout, the cooling effects of ice rolling promote lymphatic circulation, calms skin, and can sculpt the jawline.
I've heard great things about cold therapy, or “facial icing”, in its more extreme form. It’s been shown to reduce puffiness and brighten complexions, while also being a massive trend on TikTok—shocker. The low temperature causes blood to rush to the surface of the skin, which makes the magic happen. (I also love any excuse to massage my face at any given moment, hungover or not.) This specific ice roller has a 4.6 star-rating on Amazon and over 18,000 reviews—so, out the gates, it’s hard not to trust it. The reviews didn’t lie. The powers of this thing remind me of those of acupuncture, sans the terrifying needles. I’ve been using it every morning when I wake up looking like a blowfish, and it undoes the damage from a night-long bender of booze at the club or a salty, carb-rich meal. I roll it straight down my face to my neck and diagonally to get the blood flowing, and in just a few minutes, I recognize myself again and feel like a chiseled Greek god. It’s also worth mentioning that it feels absolutely slappin’ after a sweaty workout, or a scorcher of a day. Thank you sweet baby Jesus for allowing this ice roller and I to find each other.
There are other uses for the roller besides just banishing bloat-face. One reviewer also said it has helped with their migraines. “I love this ice roller so much. I struggle with very bad headaches, and every single time I use the ice roller on my forehead and leave it there for a bit, it goes away so fast. It cools my face and helps with tightness and puffiness. Best purchase,” the reviewer gushed on Amazon. So if you get hangover headaches, this roller could do double duty with making you both look and feel better. It’s also great to calm any breakout redness if you're a pimple popper and can’t keep your mitts off your skin. I know it’s satisfying, but resist the temptation.
TD;LR: Come to your senses, people, and cop one of these ice rollers for just 15 bucks instead of slapping down grocery money on ritzy face massages. There will be no facial bloat in this house.
Crack open a cold one, and get rollin’.
The Esarora Ice Roller is available for purchase at Amazon.
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