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March 5th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
KYIV, UKRAINE—As shells have begun exploding in the heart of Kyiv, museums have rushed to protect their most prized, valuable pieces: the original artwork of once-in-a-generation talent Hunter Biden.
“The Louvre may have Van Gogh and the Mona Lisa, but here we have Coke On Coke by Hunter Biden,” said museum owner Ivan Rostyslav. “I will never forget when he sold us this piece, he said to me, ‘Ivan, I don’t know how I got here or where my pants are but can you get me to the airport?’ Ha! What an artist he is!”
According to sources, most of the paintings were initially purchased for the Burisma boardroom with the tacit understanding that then-Vice President Joe Biden would look out for Ukraine. Museum owners waged huge bidding wars to acquire the pieces, knowing that beyond the remarkable art, each painting came with the assurance that the United States would have their back.
“We were lucky to get our hands on Hooked By Hookers, it’s quite a popular piece,” said curator Viktor Dankevych as he took the piece down for safe storage in a bomb shelter. “But more importantly, we know it means that President Biden will take care of Ukraine in our time of need. I hear the planes overhead, the air raid sirens, I do not panic. I know the United States will come to help.”
At publishing time, sources say all of the Biden paintings have been sold on eBay to Taiwan.
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