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March 10th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
GREENVILLE, SC—According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits.
“Yeah, I’ve been opening these things for years. I take no chances when it comes to opening a can of biscuits,” she said. “The concussive blast and loud ‘POP’ from the last time I opened one gave me PTSD. Sometimes, it takes me hours to work up the courage.” Her eyes then glazed over and she looked far off as if reliving a horrible distant memory.
Witnesses say she reentered the kitchen dressed head to toe in thick Kevlar and wearing a shrapnel-proof helmet before just staring down the can for several minutes.
After finally building up some courage, she slowly began peeling back the paper on the outside of the can—as slowly as possible—as sweat began to drip down her forehead.
“This is the part where it gets really dangerous. Literally, I could die right now.”
Just then, a car door slammed outside causing her to let out a loud “EEEEEEEKKK” and drop the can.
“Yeah—I can’t do this,” she said as she removed the bomb suit. “I’m just gonna make my husband do it when he gets home.”
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