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January 13th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
CEDAR CITY, UT—According to sources, local wife Sarah Quint has encouraged her husband to buy a new video game he’s been wanting, which will allow her to justify her impending purchase of an air fryer, new shoes, cute pens, and a “really cute” $300 umbrella.
“I have given my husband a pass to buy something silly,” said Sarah as she symbolically washed her hands, “so I am now innocent of this financial burden.”
This is not the first time Sarah has employed such a tactic. She previously encouraged her husband to buy an overpriced graphic novel so she wouldn’t feel so bad about purchasing an expensive 10-year day spa membership. “Every time he brings up the spa membership, I just point to his stack of pristine, original Walking Dead comics,” she said. “Checkmate!”
According to sources, Sarah’s husband, Greg, has grown suspicious of his wife’s seemingly unending generosity. “Every time I’m about to sit down and talk finances with her I find myself going shopping. Maybe I should stop buying stuff,” he said. “As soon as buy just one more game on Steam.”
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.
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