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September 1st, 2022 
Awake Goy 
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom announced Wednesday that he would be requiring all cars in the state of California to be fully wind-up by 2035. Experts agree that wind-up vehicles will put less strain on the state’s weak power grid and help cut back on childhood obesity.
“I heard on the news that our state’s electrical infrastructure cannot support millions of people charging their electric vehicles simultaneously,” said a concerned Newsom. “Losing electricity at my winery is the last thing I want, so I’ve decided to alter the plan. New vehicles will no longer have to be electric.”
“Instead,” he continued, “all Californians will need to drive wind-up cars. Only then can we be truly independent of both gas and electricity.”
“Because it’s kind of hot during the summer,” he added.
Prototype wind-up vehicles are already being test driven across the state. The Ford Nutcracker is expected to be first on the market, followed closely by the Toyota Torrent.
A survey of Californian drivers revealed a distinct lack of support for the new measure but Newsom says he’s not worried about “negative Nellies.”
“Wind-up cars have infinity gas mileage,” he said. “Because they don’t use gas! It’ll be great!”
At publishing time, it was revealed that all government vehicles continue to be gas operated.
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
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