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October 30th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
MIDWEST CITY, OK—According to sources close to local woman Winona Sharp, the woman’s whole personality is made up entirely of Hobby Lobby signs with sassy sayings on them. From signs reading “All I Need Is a Whole Lot of Coffee and a Little Bit of Jesus” to tin placards with the witty phrase “Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere” in the bathroom, her entire sense of humor, personality, and character traits can be summed up in the signs she picks up on a weekly basis from the craft store. “Yeah, I’m not sure she even has a personality of her own,” said her husband, Adam Sharp. “She was a completely blank slate before she found that sign saying ‘Weird is a side effect of awesome’ at Hobby Lobby one fateful Saturday, when she was getting one last trip in before that Sunday. You know, our usual Saturday evening trip.” However, some sources say even Adam himself has no personality beyond the “I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell her to tell me to do” sign hanging in his man cave.
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