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December 24th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
BULGARIA—Promising new athlete Viktoria Krum has swept the entire women’s quidditch league off of their brooms with her powerful debut. Soaring in from the Durmstrang Institute, this witch has wasted no time in making quidditch history.
“Viktoria is certainly the most dominant female Quidditch player we’ve ever seen,” said Mentor Metaxes, a Quidditch committee chairman. “Despite joining the Bulgarian team officially as seeker, Viktoria Krum has been the team’s top keeper, beater, and chaser for every game.”
“How does she move at such speed and still have the grip strength to hang on to her broom?!” said local photographer Colin Creevey. “I’ve never seen such raw strength in a woman athlete!”
Some have been skeptical of Krum’s success, demanding that she be tested for illegal charm use or performance-enhancing potions such as liquid luck. So far, all results have come back normal, except for her surprisingly high testosterone count.
At the time of publishing, the entire Bulgarian witches’ team was let go for suggesting that Viktoria was clearly world-renowned quidditch seeker Viktor Krum in a wig and “not a biological witch.” Even with Viktoria being the only remaining player left, the Bulgarian team is still favored to win their next match.
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