7 Ways to Wean Yourself Off Coffee

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7 Ways to Wean Yourself Off Coffee

September 14th, 2022

Awake Goy

Brought to you by: COVFEFE

Are you trying to break a coffee addiction? Have no fear, the self-help experts at the Babylon Bee are here! We assembled our research team and found the top 7 ways to wean yourself off coffee:

Just drink 17 cups of green tea in the morning: Or if tea isn’t your thing, just double-fist a Monster Ultra.
Try something less addictive, like crack cocaine: This technique reportedly worked for Hunter Biden.
Drink Starbucks: It’s not real coffee, so it doesn’t count.
Punch yourself in the head repeatedly so you won’t notice the caffeine withdrawal headache: Then smash your fingers with a hammer if you start to doze off.
Just wait a few years until inflation has made coffee so expensive the only thing you can afford to drink is green gruel water from the wash behind the 7-Eleven: Gas station coffee will cure any caffeine addict.
Look at pictures of coffee drinkers’ lungs: They’re the same as healthy lungs, but still.
Take it slow and steady: Go from 8 cups of coffee a day this year, to 7 next year, then 6 five years from now, and so on. By the time you die, you’ll be down to just 2 or 3 cups a day!

Or, you can just chill out and enjoy your coffee in the morning. Your choice!

NOT SATIRE: COVFEFE: Making Coffee Great! The America First choice. The best choice.

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