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May 16th, 2023 
Awake Goy 
2007 was a big year for me. Steve Jobs introduced the iPhone, Radiohead dropped In Rainbows, and I stuck an unripe banana up my vagina. I was a teenager at the time, and while I was getting better at masturbating I still had no idea what kind of sex toy would work for me, let alone fit inside of me. How could I shop for my box if I didn’t know its dimensions?
That banana (RIP) taught me a lot, but mostly that I, like Megan Thee Stallion, liked a [toy] with a little bit of curve, but that I didn’t want a sex toy that looked liked the dildos I saw on MTV’s Room Raiders, or the vibrators I saw through the windows of the adult store in downtown Santa Barbara. There’s nothing wrong with a straight shaft rabbit vibrator—these days, I’m a fan of quite a few—but my younger, greener self wondered if dildos could get more… abstract? Flexible? Funky? In short, more like the Crescendo 2 vibrator from MysteryVibe:
If only I had seen the Crescendo when I was just coming into my sexuality. Back then, I had no idea how much the sexual wellness industry would evolve in the coming decade; there are more options than ever today for trans- and gender-nonconforming sex toys, app-enabled partner play toys, and innovative non-phallic dildos. (Last year, I tested one shaped like a snail that rocked my world.) The Crescendo was on my radar for some time as a potential game changer, because it looks like a semi-phallic alien finger, markets itself as “the world’s most flexible vibrator,” promised to stimulate the clit, G-spot, and P-spot with remote- and app-enabled control options, and packed a whopping six motors and 16 power settings.
So I grabbed my lube of choice, and powered up the Crescendo to see if it would live up to its zenith of a namesake.
What was rad
Do you remember those slap bracelets from the 90s? They’re kind of what the Crescendo feels like when you unfurl it from its box, and its smooth, flexible body snaps into place. There are so many joints (six in total) within the shaft of the toy, which crescendos at a larger, flat-headed tip with a taco-esque nub for clitoral stimulation:
In the larger context of vibrator evolution, the Crescendo is a beast. You know those videos that show Cambrian Period sea creatures rapidly evolving into people or whatever? That’s the Crescendo, which adjusted its shape as my body moved with it. Initially, I inserted the vibrator looking like this:
… And by the time I was done going to town, the toy looked more like this:
It took me a moment to understand which vibration settings I liked the most, and I finally opted for a dual-end vibration setting with the rhythm of a gentle basketball dribble; one end of the vibrator tackled my G-spot, the other my clit, and as I rolled around with the toy I realized I had found a vibrator that could really pull its weight in my collection. The flexibility made it great for humping and grinding, and it was one of the most real-time adaptive toys I’ve ever used. You don’t have to use it with the MysteryVibe app, but it does help you to explore a smorgasbord of settings with names such as “Making Waves,” “Wild Cats,” and, my personal favorite, “Mad Max.”
What was tricky
Getting your bearings with a toy that is this unique can take some time. However, navigating the Crescendo’s wealth of vibration and power combos is well worth it. There are also user reviews available on the site, including one customer who writes, “It’s thin, which makes it not as invasive as some wider toys, and the length is perfect for my clients who want to work on deep vaginal healing.” If you’re curious about how to use the toy with yourself or a partner, there are videos and diagrams for that, too:
TL;DR
It’s hard to sum up the best features of the Crescendo 2 vibrator, because it’s such a powerful, multi-hyphenate boss of a sex toy. The flexible vibrator can act as a giant, horny finger for clitoral and G-spot stimulation, P-spot stimulation, and will actually change shape inside vulva-owners to accommodate their real time horny needs. If you’re in the market for a workhorse of a sex toy, cop this versatile vibe while it’s 25% off.
Purchase the Crescendo 2 at MysteryVibe.
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