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December 21st, 2021 
Awake Goy 
CONCORD, VT—A local family claims to have improved upon the classic Christmas tradition of leaving milk and cookies for Santa Claus by adding a Rapid COVID Test into the mix.
“In these trying times, it’s important to remember the jolly fat man who travels the world in a single night. He’s at high risk of death due to his morbid obesity,” said local father, Thomas Moody. “And think of the elves—they aren’t vaccinated! Santa’s probably carrying COVID! He’s basically a walking biohazard at this point!”
Other families have started to pick up on the idea, but question how many rapid tests Santa will need in one night. Some have also expressed concern over Santa’s vaccine status.
“I think it’s irresponsible,” said next-door neighbor, Regina Trundle. “Santa’s probably an anti-vaxxer. They probably don’t even have CNN at the North Pole! We shouldn’t be wasting tests on him when they should only be used by vaccinated people who don’t need them!”
The Moody family respectfully disagrees with their neighbor of fourteen years and has since cut off ties with them. “We don’t need any of that negative energy,” said Sarah Moody. “I’ve already told my children Santa will probably die without a COVID test.”
At publishing time, the two Moody children have begun seeing a counselor for depression.
Are you a horrible person but on the right side of history? Santa is shocked to discover that’s all it takes to be on the nice list.
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