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Our “Tales of Wisdom” series aims to highlight important morals and inspire a cherishing of the age-old virtues that can uplift our souls and help us return to tradition. We hope you will enjoy reading this. Somewhere, a pregnant mom’s blissful bump was carrying twin babies—Faith and Doubt. They were healthy and developing fast. One […]
Archive for the ‘Life’ Category
Man Drinking Bud Light, Listening To Country Music Clearly Gay
April 8th, 2023 
Awake Goy HUNTSVILLE, AL — A local man left no room for debate among onlookers today, as his drinking Bud Light and listening to country music made it abundantly obvious to everyone who saw him that he was, in fact, gay. Though he was apparently unaware of it himself, he was assured by people nearby that it […]
Chili’s Introduces New Silent Fajitas For Introverts
March 11th, 2023 Awake Goy DALLAS, TX — Introverts nationwide can rejoice (quietly, in a room by themselves), as the restaurant chain Chili’s has announced plans to add new silent fajitas to menus across the country. This news will provide welcome relief to millions of people who have long wanted to enjoy fajitas without the loud, sizzling presentation. “I can […]
Study Finds Only 0.01% Of Trail Mix Actually Consumed While On A Trail
March 4th, 2023 Awake Goy CHATTANOOGA, TN — Surprising results from a recent study have conclusively shown that just 0.01% of all trail mix is actually eaten by people while they are on a trail. Researchers were eager to learn more about the demographics of the people consuming the trail mix and the activities they participate in while doing so. […]
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of New Hampshire: An NBC10 Boston Original
March 3rd, 2023 Awake Goy By Shira Stoll, Dan Ferrigan and Alison King Published February 20, 2023 • Updated on February 21, 2023 Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of New Hampshire follows a libertarian political migration known as the Free State Project. Twenty years ago, one man penned a manifesto encouraging 20,000 libertarians to sign a pledge and move to the Granite State for more freedom. Now “The […]
Soulless Ghoul Doesn’t Cry Hearing ‘Amazing Grace’ On The Bagpipes
February 20th, 2023 Awake Goy BOSTON, MA — Local man Alan Rogers was confirmed to be completely dead inside after he failed to shed a single tear upon hearing ‘Amazing Grace’ played on bagpipes. “Alan is apparently a soulless wraith from the netherworld,” said witness Sharon McMillan. “A man who does not openly weep in that moment cannot possibly be […]
Gulliver’s Travels
January 22nd, 2023 Awake Goy This whimsical new version of Gulliver’s Travels spins a musical, laughter-filled story of some very tiny people who learn some very big lessons about life, love—and spaghetti! … Source
Man Wondering Why People Keep Stealing His ‘Come And Take It’ Flag
January 22nd, 2023 Awake Goy WICHITA FALLS, TX — Local man Harley Richards has become befuddled as people keep repeatedly stealing his flag that says, “Come and take it”. Source
Peloton Unveils $500 Bike-Shaped Laundry Rack
January 22nd, 2023 Awake Goy NEW YORK, NY — Peloton has released an innovative new laundry rack that looks exactly like their original exercise bike, for the low cost of five hundred dollars. Source
Daily Horoscope: January 4, 2023
January 4th, 2023 Awake Goy Venus in Aquarius connects with Jupiter in Aries at 4:08 AM, inspiring a fun, flirtatious atmosphere! People can feel especially generous or open-minded. Agreements may be made as the moon in Gemini connects with Saturn in Aquarius at 6:54 PM, and we could feel especially sentimental as the moon squares off with Neptune in Pisces […]
Local Man Takes 15th Annual ‘Before’ Photo
January 4th, 2023 Awake Goy MEEKER, CO — The new year started off optimistically for local resolution enthusiast, Carson Blenvy, who dove right into his resolve to lose 30 pounds of fat by taking a before photo to help document his future progress toward a sleek, muscular body. Source
Learn how to live without electricity from the Amish community
December 28th, 2022 Awake Goy Modern homeowners rely on electricity for many of their gadgets, tools and appliances. If you want to be more self-sufficient, you can learn from the Amish. The Amish community can teach preppers many things about being self-sufficient and living independently off the grid. Read on to learn how some Amish ways of living can be applied […]
Man Slips Into Deep Depression After Finishing Last Of Thanksgiving Leftovers
December 1st, 2022 Awake Goy NORRISTOWN, PA — Chad Pullman, 39, slipped into a deep depression Monday after finishing off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers. Doctors say he has been unable to leave his bedroom for two days. Source
Husband Grows Concerned As Amazon Opens Warehouse Location In Front Yard
November 18th, 2022 Awake Goy INDEPENDENCE, MO — A local man found cause for great concern this week when he discovered Amazon was moving forward with plans to build a distribution hub located in his front yard. Source
In Affirmative Action Program, Starbucks Forced To Hire One Straight Male Barista
November 5th, 2022 Awake Goy U.S. – In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista. Source
Posted in Life 
Tags: action, affirmative, barista, forced, program, Starbucks, straight 
No Comments »Introvert Resigns Self To Life Of Bad Haircuts
October 23rd, 2022 Awake Goy SEATTLE, WA — After another disastrous trip to the salon, local introvert Sam Johnson has resigned himself to a lifetime of awful haircuts. “No, no, bowl cuts are great,” said Mr. Johnson to his hairdresser as he surveyed the damage. “Definitely what I was going for, that early Jim Carrey look. Thanks so much.” After […]
9 Times Chick-fil-A Employees Saved A Customer’s Life In The Drive-Thru
October 2nd, 2022 Awake Goy Not all heroes wear capes, but lots of them wear red polos and goofy-looking yellow suspenders. Here we have collected nine legendary tales of when Chick-fil-A employees literally saved a customer’s life in the drive-thru: Source
Liberals Sit Around Campfire To Tell Scary Climate Change Stories
September 23rd, 2022 Awake Goy YOSEMITE, CA — During a camping retreat this week to recharge for more rioting before, during, and after the midterm elections, a group of progressives sat around a campfire and enjoyed swapping scary stories about climate change. “Then, the tropical storms combined with the raging wildfires into an inferno – and then, the floods from […]
Embarrassed Chick-Fil-A Execs Discover Their Cows Have Been Making Tons Of Spelling Errors
September 22nd, 2022 Awake Goy ATLANTA, GA — Chick-fil-A marketing executives announced Monday that they were “shocked and embarrassed” to discover that the cows they hired to run their marketing department have been making “egregious and inexcusable spelling errors” for years. One exec was reportedly driving by one of the company’s billboards and realized with horror that basic words like […]
Embarrassed Chick-Fil-A Execs Discover Their Cows Have Been Making Tons Of Spelling Errors
September 22nd, 2022 Awake Goy ATLANTA, GA — Chick-fil-A marketing executives announced Monday that they were “shocked and embarrassed” to discover that the cows they hired to run their marketing department have been making “egregious and inexcusable spelling errors” for years. One exec was reportedly driving by one of the company’s billboards and realized with horror that basic words like […]
