Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Man Awarded Honorary Doctorate After Posting Wordle Score Where He Got It In 3 Guesses

INNSMOUTH, MA—Local man Jordan Smith was awarded an honorary doctorate degree from a local university after he posted his Wordle score to social media. Representatives from the college quickly contacted him and offered him the Ph.D. when they saw that he got the answer in just three guesses. “Look at this guy — he got […]

Wife Dresses In Bomb Suit To Open Pressurized Biscuit Canister

GREENVILLE, SC—According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits.  “Yeah, I’ve been opening these things for years. I take no chances when it comes to opening a can of biscuits,” she […]

Husband Promises He Will Someday Do Something With That Cool Piece Of Wood He’s Had In Garage For 10 Years

AUSTIN, TX—Local husband Alexander Woodman surprised his wife Barbara with a lunch date on Friday in which he pledged his continued love for her and also promised to someday do something with that cool piece of wood he’s had in the garage for the last ten years. “Barb,” he said after ordering two glasses of Veuve […]

‘World War 3 Is Really Stressing Me Out,’ Woman Tells Girlfriends Over Brunch

SEATTLE—Local woman Katie Chambers sat down to brunch with her friends at a popular vegan cafe in downtown Seattle where they gossiped about men, sex, and the land invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces. “World War 3 is really stressing me out,” said Katie, literally shaking. “I have Pilates at 3, but if we all die […]

Sudden Spike In Women Advocating For Traditional Gender Roles Now That WW3 Starting

U.S.—Women all over America have suddenly abandoned their feminist ideologies and are now advocating for traditional gender roles now that World War III has begun. They’ve quit jobs and, if single, have begun searching for a man to marry so they can have as many kids as possible as quickly as possible. “I don’t know […]

Wife Tragically Freezes To Death After Husband Doesn’t Bring Blanket Fast Enough

CHARLESTON, SC—A local woman was found dead yesterday after her husband failed to bring her a blanket fast enough. The couple had reportedly sat down to binge-watch Gilmore Girls for the fifth time when his wife asked him to retrieve a blanket from the hall closet. However, by the time he returned it was already too […]

Relevance of Prof Randhir Singh’s political thoughts

Prof Randhir Singh was a Marxist scholar, political theorist and teacher from India. He was one of the founders of the student movement in India in the 1930s and a freedom fighter who remained in jail during India’s freedom struggles in the 1940s. He was put in the same barrack in Lahore Central Jail where […]

Vivekananda: Monk who highlighted Humanism of Hinduism

As we celebrate the birth anniversary (12th January) of the saffron robed monk who projected spirituality of Hinduism, the diversity and syncretic nature of India, it is very reassuring. His teachings are in total contrast to the present scenario, where many saffron robed are promoting hate and inciting violence in the name of same religion. […]

Wife Encourages Husband To Buy Thing So She Can Justify Buying Other Thing

CEDAR CITY, UT—According to sources, local wife Sarah Quint has encouraged her husband to buy a new video game he’s been wanting, which will allow her to justify her impending purchase of an air fryer, new shoes, cute pens, and a “really cute” $300 umbrella.  “I have given my husband a pass to buy something silly,” said Sarah as she symbolically […]

A New Record: Husband Completes Home Improvement Project In Only 83 Trips To Hardware Store

McCOOL JUNCTION, NE—The Guinness World Records confirmed on Monday that local man, Jeremy Humdrum, has set a new record for the least amount of trips by a husband to Home Depot for a single project. Sources say the project was to replace three outlets in a kitchen. Humdrum had compiled a list of materials he would need, […]

Report: Your Phone Just Buzzed In Your Pocket. UPDATE: No It Didn’t

Report: Your Phone Just Buzzed In Your Pocket. UPDATE: No It Didn’t WASHINGTON, D.C.—A report filed by the FCC with the Public Safety and Homeland Security office has revealed your phone just buzzed in your pocket. However, the report’s findings were retracted after you looked at your phone in confusion. Details of the report indicate a message required your […]

Ancestor That Fought In World War 2 Looks Down And Sees Descendant Publicly Kissing With A Mask On

Ancestor That Fought In World War 2 Looks Down And Sees Descendant Publicly Kissing With A Mask On U.S.—Sources close to Megan Anderson and her boyfriend Jimmy Lytle claim that the couple kissed outdoors while wearing a mask, prompting Lytle’s ancestor, who fought in World War 2, to look down in shame and judgment from […]

Report: Celebration That Requires You To Stay Up Past Midnight Far Less Appealing Once You Turn 30

Report: Celebration That Requires You To Stay Up Past Midnight Far Less Appealing Once You Turn 30 U.S.—According to multiple, increasingly tired sources across the United States and around the world, the annual celebration that requires you to stay up past midnight is far less appealing once you turn thirty. Partygoers across the country in […]

Reminiscing Bishop Desmond Tutu – A Postscript on the Apostle of Peace

Image credit/BBC Golden names like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Desmond Tutu invariably surface on the mental canopy of world public when topics as human rights, liberation struggle, human freedom and the like, especially when those of the oppressed, suppressed, persecuted and downtrodden among coloured and black peoples go afloat. The last […]

NASA seeking help from Theologians to Announce the arrival of the Aliens

    NASA has enlisted the help of theologians to examine how the world would react if sentient life was found on other planets (aka the alien hoax agenda) and what impacts such a discovery would have on deeply-held beliefs about divinity and creation. The US space agency has recruited some 24 scholars so far […]

Santa Claus Sleighjacked While Delivering Toys In Philly

PHILADELPHIA, PA—The Philadelphia Police Department today confirmed Santa Claus was sleighjacked while trying to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls in the city. “I parked to check Google Maps and suddenly there was this guy with a gun forcing me out of the sleigh,” a tearful Claus told police. “I didn’t […]

Report: 90% Of Dads Running Errands Are Just Doing It To Get Some Peace And Quiet

Report: 90% Of Dads Running Errands Are Just Doing It To Get Some Peace And Quiet WORLD—A team of researchers has confirmed what women have long speculated: 90% of dads are running errands just to get some peace and quiet. “I knew it!” cried Jill Krundy, a local mother of 2. “I knew he didn’t really […]

Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves

Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves DALLAS—Southwest Airlines has announced a new and exciting boarding procedure where passengers are given a deadly melee weapon and encouraged to sort it out themselves instead of bothering the flight crew. “We are thrilled to introduce […]

White House Decorated With Touching Christmas Message ‘YOU WILL DIE’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation’s capital grew even more festive as the White House unveiled its facade lit with a resplendent light display spelling out the touching message, “YOU WILL DIE.” The holiday message of light and hope comes at a dark time for our nation, as millions of Americans have chosen to ignore scientifically rigorous government […]

Progressive Family Leaves Milk, Cookies, And Rapid COVID Test For Santa

CONCORD, VT—A local family claims to have improved upon the classic Christmas tradition of leaving milk and cookies for Santa Claus by adding a Rapid COVID Test into the mix. “In these trying times, it’s important to remember the jolly fat man who travels the world in a single night. He’s at high risk of […]

Man Mistaken For Redhead Complains Of Being Misgingered

SEATTLE, WA—According to sources, local skateboarder and part-time anticapitalist revolutionary Astroph Zendercrack filed a complaint with local authorities after someone mistook him for a redhead.  “I am sick and tired of being misgingered,” said Zendercrack to reporters. “My hair is sandy brown people, SANDY BROWN! It’s not red! I’m not a ginger! I HAVE A SOUL!” Gingers […]

Greek-American David Sedaris Makes Readers Laugh, Cry

Greek-American author David Sedaris is one of the most famous American humorists of our time. Credit: Heike Huslage Koch/Wikimedia Commons/ CC BY-SA 4.0 Greek-American author David Sedaris, who reflects on difficult moments in his life with honesty and humor, has become one of the most beloved contemporary American humorists. Born in 1956 to an Anglo-American […]

Grandma Gets The Worst Of Another Heated Exchange With Alexa

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Local grandmother Jean Hanson lost another confrontation with her Alexa digital assistant while trying to ask her Echo device how the grandkids were doing, sources close to the woman confirmed. “Hello Miss Alexa,” she said. “How are Aiden and Charlie doing?” “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that,” Alexa replied. “I said, ‘How are the […]

Mom Clearly Phoned In Elf On The Shelf Performance This Morning

WICHITA, KS—According to sources, a local mom clearly phoned in her nightly routine of posing the elf on the shelf last night.  “I’m disappointed,” said an anonymous source with firsthand knowledge of the situation. “Of all the delightful mischief she could have depicted the elf getting into overnight—like pulling down ornaments, getting into the snacks, […]

Tis The Season: Christmas Carolers Delight Locals By Going Door To Door Singing ‘Let’s Go Brandon’

Tis The Season: Christmas Carolers Delight Locals By Going Door To Door Singing ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ MEMPHIS, TN—How touching! According to sources, a local group of Christmas carolers is spreading holiday cheer throughout the area by going door to door singing “Let’s Go Brandon!” to friends and neighbors.  “It’s been a rough year for many […]

‘1984’ Prequel Released Where People Beg Big Brother To Take Away Their Rights To Protect Them From Virus

‘1984’ Prequel Released Where People Beg Big Brother To Take Away Their Rights To Protect Them From Virus U.S.—Harvill Secker Publishing Company has announced the release of a brand-new prequel to George Orwell’s classic, 1984. The new novel will describe the events leading up to 1984, where people beg Big Brother to take away their rights to […]

Dad Finds Button To End FaceTime Call In Record 27 Seconds

ERIE, PA—According to sources, local dad Dale Jeffers has managed to end a FaceTime call, successfully finding the right button in a record 27 seconds. “I love you kids, be safe, it’s so nice to talk to you,” said Jeffers to his daughter before adjusting the screen and looking at it through his reading glasses in search […]

She’s Back! Doritos Signs 12-Year Contract With Aunt Jemima

U.S.—After a brief hiatus amid racial tensions and increased anti-ethnic-mascot sentiment, the beloved Aunt Jemima is back, having signed a new 12-year contract with Frito-Lay.  “We are proud to announce that Aunt Jemima will be the smiling face of our products for the foreseeable future,” said Frito Lay CEO Bob Chippington. “At a time when mascots of […]

Nation Suffers Post-Thanksgiving Inflation Around Midsection

U.S.—Inflation has been a real problem this year, and it’s only getting worse. According to reports, millions all across the nation have been experiencing post-Thanksgiving dinner inflation, particularly around the midsection. Midsection inflation suddenly spiked after Thanksgiving, well outpacing its normal rate. “Hoo boy — talk about inflation!” said one dad in Ohio as he […]

Man Born With Incredible Superpower Of Picking Slowest Grocery Store Lane 100% Of The Time

Man Born With Incredible Superpower Of Picking Slowest Grocery Store Lane 100% Of The Time AMES, IA—Local man Justin Parkinson isn’t like ordinary people. He was born with a superpower. Parkinson, according to sources, has the ability to pick the absolute slowest grocery store lane every single time. “I was just born this way,” he […]

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