Jew World Order

So, what are the best gifts for Men™, other than a jar of dirt filled with gold Krugerrands? We asked a whole bunch of real life dudes what the best gifts they’ve ever received are, and they swore by everything from gardening tools to flasks that won’t quit. But what about the best gifts for the men you call “daddy” in-between ball-gags? The best gifts for husbands, presents for long-term (or new) boyfriends, and—lest he be left behind as Union Pool’s Cinderella—Tinder situationships? These rad men are not only bona fide dudes, but they’re dudes who have a romantic place in your personal reality show (for this week anyways—every day is a new audition).  

Maybe you want to bless your long-term boo with a present that says, “I know how much you love jerky, and I know how much your posture sucks.” Luckily, there are organic, online butcher shops and low-profile back braces for your hunched, meaty sweety. If you’re looking for the best present for someone you just started dating, consider something as emotionally neutral (yet subtly charged; keep them on their toes) as an outdoorsy pour-over coffee kit, or a great chef’s knife that costs less than your last bar tab. 

Whether you’re looking to sweep him off his feet with a trippy NFT or keep him cozy in some winter headgear by The North Face that is actually not a beanie, here are some of the best gifts for ye olde boyfriend, partner, husband, or whatever the male situationship in your life may be. 

The Best Gifts for Him for Under $50

A heart-shaped box of jerky

Man no chocolate, man only meat. Meat in sticks, in big heart.

Because a knife is both horny and neutral

It’s true. A fancy chef’s knife that costs under a hundred bucks can totally be a gift that feels like a shrug (what, like they’re your only situationship? getouttahere), or a divine hand on their shoulder that whispers, I know how long you’ve wanted to cut a steak in a single stroke. Go forth and slice, stud. 

From the Black Diamond to the bar

This fleece head warmer from The North Face can flex with your boo as he floats from slope-shredding à la 1980s John Denver to “You need anything from the corner store?” real quick, and with real style.  

For maximum chillin' 

We mean literally. The Hyperchiller gets coffee, booze, and any other bev cold in less than 60 seconds. You can even use it with a coffee maker for instant iced coffee. An ice-cold latte or brewski is mere moments away—and 12,000+ happy reviewers are all about it. 

He won’t shut up about Ethereum

Ayyy! Happy for your man who has decided to go full #cryptolife, but bring him back down to Earth with a coin-sorting piggy bank that will help him turn couch-cushion detritus into a micro nest egg.

Polish him up 

Grooming is something that makes all the difference, but doesn't come super naturally to all men, y'know? If his hair could use a little cleaning up (or if he's always slathering his 'do with a goo that's probably chock full of carcinogens), stuff his stocking with Aesop's amazing-smelling, shine-infusing Hair Polish; it's perfect for a guy who wants that slicked-back vibe. 

Improve his posture

It’s a very specific kind of person who gets jazzed about a gift that improves their posture. If your giftee is a boomer dad/gamer/Virgo—and especially anyone who is a WFH hermit and looking to improve their posture—this is a solid option for those focused on self-improvement. 

He’s one of those straight-edge-hardcore-camping vegans 

Naturally, he’s planning on taking you upstate soon. Make sure your woodsy bb has a pour-over coffee kit that can go anywhere/get banged-up on a rock and survive without a scratch. Pair it with these beans by On the Go Jo, which is a Black women-owned coffee company, that have bright notes of baked apple and citrus that are perfect for cozy winter months. 

Beers, bindings, bombing hills

If he’s a winter sports lover who also happens to drink a ton of beer (the overlap is massive in these two categories, trust us) this Wall Mounted Recycled Ski Bottle Opener will be the perfect edition to his man cave or bar setup. 

He’s got a big, girthy one

We’re talking about his beard, of course—what were you thinking of? The Beard Care Kit is a great gift to help him keep his facial hair healthy and soft with the included handcrafted grooming products (a trifecta of everything he needs: beard shampoo, beard oil, and beer balm) which are all made from natural ingredients. 

The Best Gifts for Him for Under $100

Have y’all tried prostate play yet?

Learn more about how to dip your toes into P-Play in this step-by-step article with tips on everything from toys to foreplay. This massager toy should be just what you need to get the ball rolling (after a bit of research, of course).

A plant he can’t kill

Philodendrons are easygoing plants. They’re excellent climbers, and can tolerate as much or as little water and light as your boo deems necessary. Also, their leaves are shaped like hearts. Aw. 

Snake Plants are also beloved for their ability to thrive in low-light situations, and require very little water.

 He’s a jam band baby 

Put this one on your radar if he’s already hogging the closet with merch from the Dead’s 1969 McFarlin Auditorium gig (understandable), but he’s yet to own a versatile, dancing skeleton bandana that can cradle everything from joints and bits and bobs, to that sweet cranium of his. If a bandana seems a little too understated, might we suggest some beer glasses with vintage Dead posters?

Let him unleash his inner child

They can say whatever they want, but the moment this hoop is hung up in their house, they’ll be acting like it’s the final minutes of Game 7 of the NBA Finals (if they’re not already rehearsing their dunk contest routine)

Warm his heart… 

… And other parts of his chilly body with this personal and portable concrete fireplace. The FLIKR gives you all the perks of a regular-sized fireplace in a compact design that’s perfect for both indoor and outdoor use (city folks, we see you.) It uses and is powered by isopropyl alcohol, which makes for a clean burn that won’t create soot and is safe to eat over. Cue the marshmallows. 

A gift for both of you 

You know how sometimes guys gift their partners lingerie, and how that’s often really more of a gift for them? Yeah—this is giving them a little taste of their own medicine. Your man is gonna absolutely love the simplicity and ease of a solid cologne (especially if he’s used to the liquid/spray stuff). The fringe benefit is that there’s no better gift to yourself than a good-smelling hubby. This three-pack from BaseLight is both excellent and affordable.

The Best Gifts for Him for Under $200

A crazy-cool book about traditional tattoos 

Is your man tatted? Grab him Taschen's big, beautiful book of legendary Dutch tattooist Henk Schiffmaffer's work and archives, which meticulously documents the modern history of tattooing around the world. (Schiffmacher himself has tattooed everyone from Kurt Cobain to Lady Gaga.) It's a hell of a coffee table book, and one your inked up dude is guaranteed to pore over (and use for new tat ideas). 

An alarm clock that beats the horrible ringing on your cell 

Using your phone as an alarm clock is convenient, sure, but also ends up filling us with dread every time we hear the ringtone go off. Getting a proper alarm clock may seem weird and old school, but not when it's the Loftie, a new smart alarm clock that doubles as a white noise machine and soothing-vibe beacon. Designed to reduce stress and improve sleep quality, it's full of features that make hitting the sack feel like a spa treatment. 

A sherpa-lined trucker jacket

What do we want in a man, come the holidays? Cozy, lumbersexual energy—like he could build you a knotty-pine-floored cabin with his bare hands, then pick you up, wrap you up in a bearskin rug, and carry you over to the fire for hot toddies. Regardless of whether your mans can actually accomplish any of these things, he'll look the part in this sherpa-lined plaid trucker jacket from Levi’s (the GOAT of trucker jackets), which looks just as killer with Chucks as it does with broken-in work boots.

Yes, cast iron is worth the hype

We asked some of our favorite chefs if cast iron is all it’s cracked up to be, and they responded with a resounding, sizzling yes, because you can cook everything from meats to veggies, shakshuka to stews and more in the right semi-deep skillet. There was also unanimous praise for Lodge, a cult cast iron brand whose skillets will stand the test of time when seasoned correctly, and look handsome chilling out on your burners.   

You can also customize your boo’s skillet with the help of Smithey Ironware Company, whose vintage-inspired cast iron can be engraved:

A Carhartt jacket that will outlive us all

Cuties of all kinds, from buttoned-up bros to grumpy punks, love Carhartt. Especially when the Carhartt jacket in question is made of nylon that is waterproof and breathable, equipped with a hood, and lightweight enough for optimal layering. “I bought one of these 8 years ago,” writes one of the ride-or-die jacket owners, “[and] I have gotten nothing but compliments on it. I wear it at work as an industrial electrician, at home, on cool days, or wet days. I have worn this in misty rain and torrential downpours, [and] it took 8 years to get to the point of water penetrating the outer layer, which is why I bought another exactly like it. Hopefully in 8 years, they'll still be available.” Damn. 

The best men’s hiking boots that aren’t ugly

In fact, these Salomons look a little too good. We might have to make them part of the horny Chili’s date night ‘fit. There are loads of aesthetic men’s hiking boots these days from brands like Salomon, which really know how to tug on our gorpcore heartstrings with a design that could make even fashion die-hards go weak in the knees.

If your fella is a Timberland loyalist, grab him a full-grain waterproof leather boot by the brand for just a bit under $100:

Keep his tush warm while camping

Camping rocks, and we're all about it. But what we're less enthused by is when the temp suddenly drops while you're out in the wild and you're left shivering instead of enjoying Slenderman stories and blackened mallows around a (controlled, shout out Smokey the Bear) campfire. That's why Gobi Heat's heated camping chairs—with three heat settings and up to nine hours of continuous heating power via battery—are just the right balance between outdoorsy and, dare we say, glampy (even though we'd rather not use that word regardless of if we like a little touch of luxury with our survivalism). 

Some mitts for his mitts

These wax-coated gloves by Give'r are a slow burn gift. At first, he’ll be like, “Gloves?” and then after using them, he’ll be like, “Gloooves.” These will be his “everything” gloves—they’re heavy-duty, waterproof, and insulated for optimal protection, which means they’re good for everything from grabbing a burning log out of a fire to ice fishing in -25 degrees.

Toast to his health 

Imagine going on an adventure and not having this Firelight 750 Flask by High Camp to break out around the campfire and drink to your ancestors. It fits a fifth of liquor or a full bottle of wine, the tumblers magnetically attach to the flask so they don’t get lost, and the wide mouth makes filling and pouring a breeze. This one’s a no-brainer, people.

Damn, You Really Love This Guy

Have better sex on this furniture

Here’s an idea: Turn your living room into a horny, sex furniture-filled playground with the help of some strategic purchases, such as this chaise lounge that moonlights as a boning station. The width and curvature are perfect for you two (or three, or whatever) to become lubed-up, human rubber bands.  

A solid shed for hiding his secrets

Becoming the proud owner of a solid wooden shed and a bunch of crypto is basically our generation’s version of owning a home and having a 401(k) plan. Think of all the cool bullshit y’all will be able to store in here; it’s basically an outdoor closet.  

Baby’s first NFT

Have y’all been curious about NFTs, but also feeling like everyone who is already talking about them somehow knows the ins-and-outs? Fret not. We too were n00bs, so we did some sleuthing to find the best places to buy affordable, rad NFT and crypto art. The online auction house 1stDibs is a great place to start if you have a couple big goblin coins (money; we mean regular, paper money) to drop, because their rotation of digital artists really is beautiful and thoughtfully curated, as is Crypto.com for pieces like this by Snoop Dogg. Will any of this stuff have any (monetary) value in the next five years? Who can say—but at the very least, your giftee will have a helluva story to talk about next time crypto comes up in conversation.

This rowing machine is a work of art

Did Eames design the Ergatta rowing machine? This is one of those items we dream about having in the ideal at-home gym set-up, because there’s something so gratifying about working out on an apparatus that relies only on cherry wood construction, spinning water, and a svelte shape that supports your form. Rowing works out nine major muscle groups, dude, so you can pop a CBD gummy and merrily make your way upstream to Swole City.  

He’ll be the envy of all his boys

You show up to the party with a 12-pack, you make 11 friends for a moment. You show up with a Tundra Haul YETI Cooler full of suds, you’re a fucking hero. It’s the first-ever YETI cooler on wheels, and features unmatched insulation power and durability, which means this puppy is good for the trails, the beach, and house parties galore. 

Bring the bar to him

“Oh, your man doesn’t have a souped-up home bar setup?” That’s what you’ll be saying to your friends after you gift him this customizable home liquor tap. It works just like a beer tap, except you don’t need a complicated draft system. It’s great for parties, movie nights, and—honestly—it just looks cool. 

Upgrade his game room

Sure, he loves you and your family, but his team… now that’s different. Give him something to put in his man that you’re not actually embarrassed to have hanging in your house—we’re looking at you, 20-plus-year-old neon bar lights.

Happy holidays, you little eggnog hogs. Here’s hoping next year’s husband has a car. 

Source