By
Craig Brown
18:32 EST, 25 April 2012
|
18:33 EST, 25 April 2012
‘The money for more gateposts is there’: Ken Livingstone
HOW deep should I sink a gatepost for a 4ft-wide gate in my fence?
R.P. Smethwick, East Croydon.
KEN SAYS: The simple fact is we’ve had two years of this Tory-led government refusing point blank to tell us how deep to sink our gateposts.
This has inevitably meant that up to half-a-million Londoners — not my figures, incidentally — have been deprived of their basic human right to sink their gateposts as and when they want.
We intend to make it safe for Londoners to sink gateposts. Furthermore, we will offer every household an average £120 a year for every gatepost they sink.
The money for more gateposts — for everyone to own their own gatepost — is there. This current mayor is simply refusing to hand it out. The simple fact is that he prefers to give it to his fat-cat supporters in big business.
But for me it’s all about a fairer Britain. It’s all about making gateposts our number one priority and putting them back where they should be — in people’s pockets.
BORIS SAYS: Have you taken a jolly good long peek at our lovely new red bus, Mr Smethwick?
I’m not saying gatepost holes aren’t up to the job — far from it, I love gatepost holes with all the passion Penelope once felt for Odysseus as she waved him goodbye, sobbing veritable Niagaras of tears into her hanky — but one glimpse of our lovely new red bus and you will forget all about those gatepost holes of yours.
BUT what I really want to know is how deep should I sink a gatepost for a 4ft-wide gate?
KEN SAYS: I dearly want this city to be the greatest city on earth. And when I look back at what I’ve struggled to do for London for all my adult life . . . (Sobs) I’m sorry, but I can’t help but feel very, very humbled.
BORIS SAYS: Once again, Ken hasn’t answered the question! I might remind him that Mr Smethwick’s eminently sensible question was about how deep to sink a gatepost! But our semi-reformed Trotskyist, car-hating, newt-fancying, tax-dodging, bank-bashing, bendy-bus fetishist of a Labour candidate clearly has no interest in how deep to sink a gatepost. I hope that answers your question, Smethers, old chap!
BUT I really want to know how deep should I sink a gatepost for a 4ft-wide gate?
KEN SAYS: I’ve already answered that question. To ask it again is a typical Tory diversionary tactic to distract attention from the real issues facing Londoners. We deserve better. Next question!
BORIS SAYS: Frankly, I’ve already answered that question, too. I fancy Mr Smethwick must be some kind of Leninist fanatic, hell-bent on turning our beautiful city into one gigantic hole for his wretched collection of gateposts! Next!
AT A 6ft span, how much load can an SPF 2×4 support when turned on a 3.5in end support?
F.W., Bloomsbury.
BORIS SAYS: As Diomedes once observed to Aegialeus’s daughter Aegialia as he took his morning constitutional around the dappled streets of Argos, an SPF 2×4 is an absolute must for all sorts of reasons, but I won’t bore you by rattling through them all right this minute, you’ll be delighted to hear! The main thing to understand, F.W. of Bloomsbury, is that Diomedes’s father Tydeus left Calydon and fled to Argos, though whether or not he took an SPF 2×4 with him remains something of a foggy issue!
KEN SAYS: Enough of this high-faluting public school nonsense. It’s quite clear to me that what you are really meaning to ask, F.W. of Bloomsbury, is whose policies will make you better off? That’s the primary concern of Londoners on low or average wages. And let me say something else. Boris Johnson and his fat-cat friends couldn’t care less about how much load an SPF 2×4 can support. They’re too interested in lining their own pockets.
And that’s why I pledge to set up a special task force to look into this whole question of SPF 2x4s: where to find them, how to get them, and, most important of all, what on earth they are. Furthermore, we intend to distribute SPF 2x4s free to every household in the Greater London area. It’s the only way to kick-start our economy.
MY HOUSE is on fire. What should I do? Geoff, Fulham.
KEN SAYS: I blame the Tories. If only they’d gone along with my plans to place a firefighter in every home, this would never have happened.
BORIS SAYS: Wonderful news, Geoff! Cut the old heating bills, what?! Abso-flipping-lutely-fan-blooming-tastic!
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Poor Boris I thought ,as I watched Jeremy Hunt being whisked away in a waiting cab .Jeremy is still no fool as he’d booked one of John Griffin’s,owner of Addison Lee who has made public his instruction that Addison Lee’s 3500 taxi drivers to use bus lanes in London
So he had a fast journey home one presumes !
This Tory Government is the script for a Carry On Film
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This is FANTASTIC Craig! Your acerbic wit brought a tear to my eye; if these caricatures you have created weren’t so close the the real things it wouldn’t simultaneously be so very tragic!
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