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June 5th, 2012 
FAKE NEWS for the Zionist agenda
By
Richard Littlejohn
16:52 EST, 4 June 2012
|
19:37 EST, 4 June 2012
After Sunday’s Jubilee Pageant on the Thames, the Queen headed back to Buckingham Palace to put her feet up and watch the highlights on video. This column was granted exclusive fly-on-the-wall access. Her Maj is in her study with her trusted lady-in-waiting, the Hon ‘Dodo’ Frobisher …
Pour me a large Glennhoddle, Dodo, there’s a dear. I’m chilled to the marrow. It was just like the Coronation all over again, raining cats and corgis. I feel as if I’ve spent the day working as a deckhand on a North Sea trawler.
Just as well I wore those thermals Camilla bought me for Christmas.
Queen Elizabth on her Jubilee celebrations: ‘One is absolutely cream-crackered and there’s still another two days to go’
My feet are killing me. I didn’t want to stand up all day, but if anyone thought I was going to plonk myself down in one of those vulgar red velvet thrones, they had another think coming. They looked like something left over from the Beckhams’ wedding.
I told them it was going to rain. Always does in June, no matter what the global warming lunatics pretend. We should have held the Pageant in July, but they said it would get in the way of the Olympics. Bloomin’ cheek. Whose country is it anyway?
Oo, look, there we are getting on to the Royal Barge. Hang on, they’ve gone over to that awful show-off who used to jump out of helicopters. What’s her name, Ulrika something? Rice, that’s it. Are you sure this is the BBC? Where’s Dimbleby? This is like watching Blue Peter.
Mind you, I suppose it’s what we’ve come to expect from the BBC these days. I’m beginning to think Philip’s right: the entire corporation does seem to be run by communists.
I feared the worst when I turned the television on this morning and saw that ghastly Toynbee woman pouring poison over the whole shooting match on Breakfast With Frost, with Andrew Marr. Sir David must be on holiday. Still, Rory Bremner’s very good. He does a marvellous impression of Charles.
Doesn’t Philip look handsome in his Admiral of the Fleet uniform. Suits you, sir! Not that one’s got much of a fleet these days.
To be honest, I fear that what we saw today is the sum total of our maritime strength — a couple of clapped-out cruisers, half a dozen rowing boats, a few kayaks, a gondola, a Kiwi war canoe and a small ship left over from Dunkirk.
If I last another ten years we’ll be able to hold the next Jubilee flotilla on the Serpentine. Where were the aircraft carriers, the battleships, the tall ships?
I’ll never forgive Blair for decommissioning the Royal Yacht Britannia. I should have had him sent to the Tower years ago, after all that ‘People’s Princess’ nonsense. I’m still convinced he was trying to start a revolution.
Typical of his lese-majeste. He was always trying to upstage one. Remember that New Year’s Eve at the Millennium Dome, when his hideous wife linked arms and made us sing along to Auld Lang Syne?
‘I didn’t want to stand up all day, but if anyone thought I was going to plonk myself down in one of those vulgar red velvet thrones, they had another think coming’
‘Look, there’s that Boris Johnson, third boat along, going past Archer’s flat. Bit of a ladies’ man, by all accounts’
Did you see him shamelessly playing the statesman on the Leveson thingy the other day? Pass the sick bag, Princess Alice.
Just as well he’s not Prime Minister any more, otherwise he would have tried to hijack the whole Jubilee, just like he did with That Woman’s funeral.
You can just imagine Blair and the Wicked Wossname draped over the prow of the Royal Barge, like Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.
Mind you, that miserable Scottish chap who came after him was just as bad. I used to dread our weekly meetings. No social graces whatsoever. Refused to wear white tie, even on formal State occasions.
Raining cats and corgis: But the jubilant spirit of the nation could not be dampened down
And did you see how he bit his fingernails to the quick? I wonder whatever happened to him. Say what you like about David Cameron, he’s got impeccable manners. Something to do with going to Eton, I suppose. Mind you, one still has to draw the line.
At our very first audience, young Cameron said: ‘Call me Dave, Ma’am.’ I had to put him in his place from the orf.
‘No thank you, Prime Minister. I’d rather not.’ That told him. I mean, one can take familiarity too far or who knows where it all might end. Next thing you know he’ll be doing a Michael Fagan.
Still, Cameron had the decency to stay away from the Pageant. It may have rained on my parade, but at least he didn’t.
‘Doors to manual!’ Has Phillip just spotted Mrs Middleton? And doesn’t he look dashing in his suit?
Look, there’s that Boris Johnson, third boat along, going past Archer’s flat. Bit of a ladies’ man, by all accounts. The Pageant Master had the devil’s own job sorting out the guest list, so as to keep him away from Pippa Middleton.
They had to put clear blue water between Boris and Pippa, so to speak. And we were right to keep Pippa and Kate apart, too. The last thing we needed was a re-run of the wedding. I said to her mother: make her wear a burka if you have to, but I’m not having my Jubilee Pageant upstaged in the papers by Pippa’s pert posterior.
I know some people think the Middletons are a bit common, but as in-laws go it could be worse. I still shiver when I think of all the trouble we had with Major Ron Ferguson and Acid Raine Spencer.
‘Cameron had the decency to stay away from the Pageant. It may have rained on my parade, but at least he didn’t’
It would help if Philip refrained from shouting ‘Doors To Manual’ every time Carole Middleton hoves into view. It’s all very well turning one’s nose up at ‘trade’, but if it hadn’t been for private donations the Jubilee celebrations would never have got off the ground.
The Middletons wrote out a very generous cheque. Actually, it was the least they could do in the circumstances.
They had the exclusive bunting concession for the Pageant. Every flag being waved along the river today was bought from their website. Must have made a small fortune.
It says here in the Mail on Sunday that they’ve just agreed to buy a Grade II listed house in Berkshire for £4.7 million. They’re coining it in. If they carry on like this, it won’t be long before they’re making us an offer for Windsor Castle.
Madness: ‘I knew we should have gone to Balmoral this weekend’
The way I feel right now, they’re welcome to it. I’m absolutely cream-crackered and there’s still another two days to go.
We’ve got the pop concert tomorrow. I think I’ll give that a miss. I only really like Cliffy Richard. And what’s Lang Lang? Isn’t that something Charles puts in his tea?
Would you get me some aspirin, Dodo. I’ve got a splitting headache. Where’s the phone? Hello, is that the guard house? There’s a thumping sound coming from the roof.
Madness? I know it’s madness. Who on earth would want to be stomping around on the roof of the Palace in this weather?
Eh, what’s that? It’s Madness rehearsing for tomorrow night. If you say so. I knew we should have gone to Balmoral this weekend. It’s not raining in Scotland. For once. We could have stayed in the warm and watched the whole thing on television.
Oh, for heaven’s sake, there’s that Ulrika Rice again. Pass me the remote, Dodo. I’m going to fast forward to God Save The Queen.
The sooner this Diamond Jubilee’s over, the better . . .
In my eagerness to mock the emasculation of the RAF, I appear to have picked the wrong target. While some of you agreed with my general point, a number of readers have written to tell me I was unfair to single out Flt Lt Kirsty Stewart, of the Red Arrows, currently reassigned to ground duties because the deaths of two of her colleagues has had an ‘adverse effect’ on her. If that’s the case, I apologise. I wouldn’t want to fall out with any organisation which has a nuclear deterrent.
And while I was writing specifically about combat missions, I overlooked the contribution of all those female pilots who delivered Spitfires and other aircraft from factory to airfield during World War II.
If anyone wants me, I’ll be in the air-raid shelter until the all-clear sounds.
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Nice one Rich. The BBC’s sad and sorry decline was there for all to see. Can’t they start again by employing presenters with a personality?
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In your rush to write this article you seem to have missed the news about the Duke of Edinburgh taking ill.
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Oh Dear,Has Mr Littlejohn been upsetting the leftie luvvies again?Shame!
Keep up the good work John.
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So funny! Love the article. I would imagine the Queen and Prince Phillip will have a good laugh. In fact I can hear the Queens saying “Too bl..dy right, mate!”
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This is the kind of rubbish that i’ve come to expect from Littlejohn and the Daily Mail. Why does he hate Britain so much?
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Satire lives! Well done Littlejohn!
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A very entertaining article Mr L. However, in your footnote you seem to be suggesting that the RAF operates our nuclear deterent, whereas responsibility for this was handed over to the Navy many years ago. If you are going to issue a correction – and this one was certainly justified – do at least check your facts, otherwise yet another correction may be required!
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I’m so glad someone else thought that the whole flotilla thing was terribly disappointing. No pomp whatsoever! Not at all memorable! They should have had massive boats, more colour, flags and gilt.
– Hmmmm, UK, 4/6/2012 23:42
They couldn’t have massive boats due a little problem about getting under bridges. And if there had been more colour and gilt, there would have been endless moans about the unnecessary expense. I thought it was excellent.
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The whole flotilla was a farsical and badly prepared event. I am no royalist, quite the opposite, but to expect an 86 year old woman to stand up on a boat for 4 hours in the lousy British weather is ludicrous. It also made for exceptionally boring TV for us mere mortals.
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Littlejohn has an amazing ability to tap into the brains of the ignorant and feeble minded!!!
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