Jew World Order

The time has come, my friends. We’re saying goodbye to Season 3 of “Bethenny Ever After” and the farewells are bound to be bittersweet.

We know she’s not leaving the spotlight forever (like she ever could, really) — in fact, our Queen has already left her brand-spankin’ new apartment for the hills of Los Angeles where she’ll be trying out her very own talk show this summer. And knowing B, the show will most likely continue to highlight the dysfunctional aspects of her hectic life.

From her constant battle with Hoppy to literally scaring away an intern, she has been on quite the chaotic ride. Now that Julie is basically out of the picture, things are about to take a giant, terrifying turn. During the highly anticipated finale, B is bound to drop some sort of a bombshell. Could it be that baby No. 2 is on the way? Have divorce papers already been drawn? Is Bryn starring in Bravo’s new show “Real Babies of Psychotic Ex-Housewives”? We’re about to find out …

“Can’t Get Enough of You” Bethenny
– Walking into Manhattan Mexican restaurant Tortilla Flats with her employees and describing it as “cheap and easy” … just like the whole gang.
– Toasting basically everyone at the table for being so fabulous for the company, including Dawa, who arguably communicates via Etch A Sketch.
– Raising glasses to “the land of misfits,” otherwise known at her hectic posse. It may not be the usual way to boost morale at a company party, but it’s genuinely appreciated … especially when topped off with another pitcher … and another.
– Revealing a fun and flirty side during a Glamour photo shoot that actually doesn’t include sexual or inappropriate implications. OK, minus the one facial expression …
– Tearing up in the makeup chair realizing that this is the last photo shoot she’ll have with Julie. She tries to halt her emotions by squeezing stress balls in her fist (and mouth) and demanding decaf iced coffee, but no such luck. Only until Julie blasts a blow dryer in her face do the tears stop streaming.
– “I know it will be fine once this moment passes, but right now it’s too much.” Pretty much sums up how most people feel during a time of change, wouldn’t you say?
– Bringing a cake to the table (that, dare I say, she made?) for Julie and praising her goodness.
– Washing down cake with what looks like a hard alcoholic beverage. I mean, straight vodka hard.
– Going down memory lane from the time Julie held up B’s wedding dress as she peed on … the floor … to asking Julie to be Bryn’s godmother.
– Taking Bryn furniture shopping and ending up playing hide and seek in curtains undoubtedly more expensive than a year’s rent in my Manhattan apartment.
– Fast-forward three months and B and Hoppy seem happier than ever, lounging on what looks like the last piece of furniture in their now old apartment.
– In their new home, she and Hoppy share one of the only meaningful kisses I’ve seen on this season. Hugs all around!
– Stepping into her new closet, which could essentially house a family of six, and celebrating with cocktails over her stilettos.
– Playing with Bryn in her new ultra-girly room after the first night in the castle. Little do they know, she’s about to draw on all the walls.
– Blow-drying her new, obviously lavish couch chair thing, after Bryn not surprisingly knocks down a flower vase. “Living the life, just living the life.” And she’s thrown back into reality.

Total: 15

“Run for Your Life” Bethenny
– Calling up Nick the food blogger and ordering him to leave what he’s doing and rush over to Tortilla Flats. Even though he’s clearly beyond an after thought, he’s flattered and somehow arrives in less than three seconds. With brushed hair.
– Walking into a Glamour photo shoot with bed-head so horrific you’d think rats nested in her hair overnight.
– Back in Dr. Armadillo’s office, she admits over a cracking voice that, “I don’t know what’s going on in my life.” It feels so real, I almost forget she’s having these “intimate” sessions in front of a camera crew. But then I look at Dr. A.’s faux tan and everything is clear again.
– Allowing Julie to fetch a multi Starbucks order on her last day. This is when B is supposed to offer to get Julie a breakfast beverage. Alas.
– Letting her nipples shoot out of her sheer white top like torpedoes while at work. Of course, when Hoppy expresses concern about men walking in and seeing her goods, she snaps back without catching a breath. “Call HR, who cares! You’re lucky I’m wearing underwear in the office.”
– Chatting on the phone with her publicist about gigantic news she’s been keeping a secret. When she spies Hoppy in the apartment, she orders, “Go in your room! Why are you outside this door? Why are you eavesdropping?” You’d think news so big would have been discussed with her husband, but naturally, that’s not the case for this work-comes-first couple.
– Calling an immediate meeting in the kitchen to announce that she’s landed the talk show in Los Angeles. Although it’s only for the summer, she’ll be uprooting her entire team to the “best coast.” She poses it as an open discussion to her group, but they all know the only answer is agree or go home.
– Packing up last-minute things on their final night in the Tribeca apartment and reminiscing about the memories, like the porn box B knows Hoppy keeps in the closet.
– Having anxiety about her sex toy collection being picked through by the movers in her new apartment, especially since she used them in the last month.
– Stepping into their new home for the first time and screaming in shock. “This is like a real apartment,” she says. Though she must know it is not what anyone would ever call a real apartment. It’s a Hamptons home on crack.
– Crouching down in the kitchen after finding out she’s expected to move to L.A. in exactly one month. Time to pack up the bags! Again!

Total: 11

So there you have it. Bethenny’s “Can’t Get Enough of You” side came out on top, not just this week, but overall for the season. Though her hysterical outbursts often got the best of her, she certainly revealed a more vulnerable (but no less hilarious) side this season. Of course, there were absolute nightmares, including the “lost at sea” boat ride from hell, finding out her mom was selling made-up stories to the tabloids, her employee quitting in a fit of terror after boat ride No. 2 and the tremendous tension with Hoppy. But back to the good: Bringing Nick the food blogger to get his very first eyebrow threading, sending Julie off with hugs, kisses and perfectly iced cake, teaching Bryn how to lock down a man using the foolproof popsicle technique, and never forgetting to give Cookie love. And although “Bethenny Ever After” is closing this chapter, we can all look forward to B gracing the small screen once again in less than a month. She’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Praise the power of a cocktail.

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