Jew World Order

By
Jan Moir

PUBLISHED:

18:54 EST, 27 July 2012

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UPDATED:

18:54 EST, 27 July 2012

Bouncing punks, geese, the mosh pit versus the posh pit, buzzing helicopters, dragonflies, a statue of Sir Winston Churchill coming to life, blazing gold rings of fire, cows, milkmaids plus David Beckham being unbelievably cool.

Welcome to the barmiest Opening Ceremony in Olympic history, an explosion of nonsense and tremendous good fun that blazed for three hours.

As the world looked on and scratched its head in bemusement, Danny Boyle put on a show of national wonder on a set that looked like a mad collision between the outskirts of Emmerdale and the Tubbytronic Superdome.

Just dropping in: Queen Elizabeth makes ‘her’ dramatic entrance into the Olympic Stadium

Getting in the spirit: The Queen arrives with ruffled hair after her ‘parachute jump’ into the Olympic stadium

Actors dressed as Mary Poppins perform at the Olympic Stadium

Yes, it was a bit tinky winky and laa-la at times – what on earth was going on? There were moments when we seemed to be watching a giant, outdoor production of Les Miserables, others when an army of Pan’s People clones invaded the screen.

For a big chunk of the evening, hundreds of furious-looking, unkempt people with grimy skin and bad teeth capered about – a nice note of Brit authenticity for y’all right there.

Elsewhere men in top hats did the teapot dance for no good reason. And while we knew that the nice ladies with the illuminated umbrellas were meant to be Mary Poppins, what must have viewers in Thailand or Ulan Bator thought?

Meanwhile, shepherds tended their flocks by night, men prayed in front of smoking chimneys and dark, satanic mills rose from the earth like cathedrals. We had the Windrush, the Beatles, the ever-magnificent Chelsea Pensioners, Kenneth Branagh as Isambard Kingdom Brunel and Mr Bean doing Chariots of Fire.

Spectacular: The stadium is bathed in colour during the spectacular fireworks display

A bit bonkers: Actors perform in a sequence meant to represent Britain’s National Health Service

We crunched through history faster than an episode of Downton Abbey while the maypoles wobbled alarmingly and hundreds of children danced their little hearts out.

The Queen was (almost) parachuted in, wearing peach crystals with a matching hat. As she took her seat in the Olympic Stadium, her face had that familiar sucked lemon appearance, on this night of nights her expression seemed to say: ‘Oh great, more bladdy pop music.’

Boyle obliged with Dizzee Rascal, Amy Winehouse and HM’s absolute faves, the Sex Pistols. She must have been thrilled.

Of course, the BBC is the official broadcaster of the Olympic Games and earlier in the evening they kicked off their coverage in fine style. Their opening montage, presented by Benedict Cumberbatch, was quite brilliant.

‘London has known suffering, but London always rises again,’ he said, journeying across the city towards Stratford, a brooding hybrid of Dr Who and Sherlock.

He talked of the good times and the bad; he spoke of hearts, sinews and voices straining for greatness in this new theatre of dreams. ‘Let the Games begin,’ he boomed. It was thrilling and moving.

Then we cut to Gary Lineker.

Rowan Atkinson in his role as Mr Bean led a hilarious Chariots of Fire sequence

‘Yeah, it’s gonna be special,’ he gurgled. He went on to explain who the Red Arrows were. He talked about the ‘primal thrill’ that he still gets about ‘who can run the fastest’. He really is wasted on Match of the Day isn’t he? At least he wasn’t talking about crisps.

Lineker and co-host Sue Barker are the main anchors for the BBC, a cosy couple who will barely be off our screens for the next two weeks. They talked about their mutual experiences, carrying the Olympic torch. ‘You still are a golden girl,’ he told her, the great flirt.

Huw Edwards and Hazel Irvine were reporting from inside the stadium. Lineker introduced them in his inimitable style.

‘Now it’s over to Huw who is with Hazel Irvine in the commentary position,’ he said.
I’m saying nothing.

Goldenboy: David Beckham passes under Tower Bridge at the controls of a speedboat named ‘Max Power’ which carried the Olympic Torch

The set looked like a mad collision between the outskirts of Emmerdale and theTubbytronic Superdome

As if cycling butterflies weren’t enough, viewers around the world were also treated to another great British tradition – obsessing about the weather.

On all channels, everyone was terrified that it was going to rain. ‘There is a small risk of showers,’ said weatherman Robin on ITV at teatime yesterday. ‘I can’t completely rule out a shower developing,’ said someone else.

Peter Cockroft for the BBC in Trafalgar Square said that we had ‘the right sort of rain earlier’ but said that ‘the risk of rain is receding’. Simon Vigar for C5 News said it was ‘a little bit balmy’.

‘There is a little sense of a touch of rain in the air,’ offered Huw Edwards at 7.15 while Gary was not going to be left out.

‘The weather has stayed dry, the clouds are quite dark,’  he opined. At his side, Sue failed to agree.

‘The breaking news  is that the heavens have opened,’ said Sue. ‘I think it has stopped raining,’ she said, five minutes later.

Everyone must think we are mad.

Well maybe we are. To a watching world, Danny Boyle sent out a vision of Britain, past and present, that was touching and special, without being pious or grandiose.

It was by turns madcap, eccentric, emotional, a little bit cheesy, sometimes cringey and accompanied by some of the greatest music ever made. It was dazzling and bold and so very, very us.

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