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August 31st, 2022 
Awake Goy 
LOS ANGELES — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Ozzy Osbourne says he is sick and tired of “freggle cong mazzer lo” and plans to exchange his fast-paced L.A. lifestyle for the peaceful green pastures of “Ghrizzah Hurgle Kroocy Breedle Boop.”
“Lokim gondal ragional bees,” said a disappointed Ozzy Osbourne as he slowly shook his head. “I’m a rendoblan chizzle mango moo.”
An official statement by the Osbourne family attorney has clarified that Ozzy is leaving California due to exorbitant tax rates. However, the attorney has thus far been unable to discern the family’s final destination. “I looked up ‘Ghrizzah Hurgle’ and it does not exist,” he said.
According to the fan website ozzyfozzy.com, the former Black Sabbath vocalist is likely planning to live full-time at Welders House, an estate he already owns in Buckinghamshire, England. Ozzy’s current lifestyle of laying around all day and mumbling to himself would also make him a welcome fit in the English countryside, say experts. Buckinghamshire also made the top ten list of “great places to die.”
But not to worry Black Sabbath fans, Osbourne has said his family will return if “fafjwjfe astro.”
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
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