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March 9th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
COMPTON, CA—As gas prices surge, rappers and other wealthy celebrities have started replacing their usual gold bling with gasoline cans to show off to the world they finally made it.
“Fo’ sho’, it’s gas time, son!” said Snoop Dog, while high rollin’ off some exotic with lye and straight-up premium unleaded Chevron.
Eminem was also spotted hanging out with Drake and 50 Cent at Effigy Studios, wearing gas cans around their neck. The sweet ride they drove was also towing a trailer full of oil drums. “We’s cod with some feddle, makin’ that dough, you feel me?” said 50 Cent.
The gas crisis has incidentally fueled an appreciation for fossil fuels among rappers and other less important celebrities. Fans are now looking up to lit rappers and idolizing the same things they do.
Authorities in the city of Compton have found the change a mostly positive experience.
“We’re dealing with a lot fewer drugs on the street,” said Officer Fellow Beaverman. “There’s been a spike in black market fuel trades but everyone is sober so I call it a win for the D.A.R.E. program.”
In this new commercial from the U.S. Army, everyone’s favorite branch of the military promotes their new, more diverse, more inclusive standards. From gender reveal grenades to more affirming drill sergeants, the Army is leading the way in inclusion!
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