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August 19th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a desperate bid to coax Biden back from vacation at Camp David to address some very pressing concerns in the country, staffers have decided to lure him back with a chocolate chip ice cream cone dangling from a string.
“He won’t return our calls, so we’re gonna try this,” said Machen Stormfae, a White House intern. “Biden responds really well to ice cream… in fact, that’s all he responds to. His eyes just light up like a newborn baby seeing his mother for the first time. It’s quite beautiful.” She then started whistling and making “tsk tsk” sounds with her mouth and whistling.
Other interns are wafting shampoo scents into the air and yelling “Here Biden! Here Mister President!”
After six hours of fruitless attempts, staffers eventually managed to lure him in with the ice cream. Biden then took a nap in the Oval Office before relieving the substitute President of his duties.
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