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September 7th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
HOUSTON, TX — Local wife Thelma Looverton has reportedly taken to using incognito mode to browse fall-scented candles. Her home currently holds 137 fall-scented candles that her husband knows about.
“I can stop anytime I want,” whispered Thelma as she bit her lip, absorbing the new line of scented candles such as Nutty Pumpkin Waffle, Cider Sunset Milieu, and Sweaty Autumn Lumberjack. “I just need a candle for the left side of the kid’s bathroom to balance out the other seven — well look at that, Apple Pie Orchard Farmhouse Breeze is back in stock, may as well pick up a dozen!”
Witnesses claim Thelma’s husband, Ronnie, reported a tingling on the back of his neck and instinctively felt for his wallet. He then called to his wife, who had hurried to the basement to conduct a recount of the canned peaches over 40 minutes ago.
After hearing Thelma reply that she was fine and to not come down and that she would be up in an hour or two, Ronnie resumed using incognito mode to browse more leaf blowers.
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