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May 8th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
In New Cut Of Empire Strikes Back, Vader Will Now Say ‘I Am Your Non-Birthing Person!’
BURBANK, CA—Disney confirmed today that all releases of The Empire Strikes Back will be rereleased with Darth Vader delivering his iconic line “No — I am your father!” as “No — I am your non-birthing person!”
The change will be more inclusive to non-binary people, who all love Star Wars, though most of them have only seen The Last Jedi. But Disney is hopeful this will get these new loyal fans to watch the rest of the movies and buy more merchandise.
“Think about all the trans people who have had to watch Empire and suffer in silence as Vader uses the word ‘father,'” said Kathleen Kennedy. “We all know that the main thing people love about Star Wars is the love, inclusion, and… harmony? I think harmony is in Star Wars. Also dinosaurs. I’m not sure, I’ve never watched a Star War. But that is what I am told.”
Not to be outdone, Warner Bros. will release a new Inclusive Cut of the Director’s Cut of Batman vs. Superman, where Batperson is stunned to find out that Superperson’s birthing person’s name is also Martha.
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