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September 9th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
U.S.—After Mayor Ted Wheeler of Portland announced a trade and travel ban against Texas due to their ban on abortion, several more states across the country are racing to enact their own abortion bans so that Portland will ban travel to their states as well.
“I’m like, ‘whatever’ on abortion,” said North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper, “but the prospect of being completely cut off from Portland in every way is seriously tempting.”
Portland has assured all states that anyone who passes laws outlawing the killing of unborn babies will not see hoards of smelly, mentally ill Portlanders or Antifa thugs entering their states for the foreseeable future. In addition, states will be cut off from Portland’s chief export, which is now meth.
Several prominent pro-choice leaders have changed their views on abortion in light of Portland’s announcement, saying giving up abortion is a small price to pay to never have to interact with Portland forever.
In addition, several blue states have even offered to pass voter ID laws if Portland will agree to break off from North America and float off into the ocean.
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