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March 5th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
BEND, OR—Progressive Christians are saddened this week following the removal of COVID mask mandates. They allege that with no masking, there is no way for them to love their neighbors anymore.
“COVID enabled me to show the world that I’m a good Christian who actually loves people,” said Alisson Forrest, who hasn’t been to church in 22 months. “Masks were uncomfortable and inconvenient, but I was proud to wear them every day to show everyone how much like Jesus I was. Now what am I supposed to do?”
Ben Winslow, a member of South Bend Methodist, said he felt completely lost without his mask. “How am I supposed to care for the orphan, the widow, and the imprisoned without my trusty mask? Masking was an essential outward token of my extreme righteousness for all the world to see! Of course, I won’t wear one now, because the state says I don’t have to, but I wish I could!”
Progressive Christians breathed a sigh of relief, however, when it was revealed they can now love their neighbor by waving a cheap little Ukraine flag.
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